A Widow For 10 Years

On November 14, 2023 By Widow BadassIn Hmmm?52 Comments

Trigger Warning: I am going to be talking about MY experience at being widowed. If you are experiencing a different sort of grief and/or widowhood you may be offended or otherwise bothered by what I am going to say.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty damn fantastic, realizing I have been a widow now for 10 years. Becoming a widow probably saved my life because the stress of being married to my second husband had a high probability of killing me eventually. (I did have a couple of mini-strokes a few years later as I was still dealing with the mess left behind by his death.) A lot of this stuff is on ye olde blogge, if one cares to search…

Proof of That Stress…

2012 passport photo – married, exhausted, and stressed out of my mind. No wonder my daughter was worried for my health.

I had been living in Crazytown (as I called my life then) for quite a few years already (and it was getting steadily worse). I knew my health was being negatively affected by the pressures of living with this man and I was considering getting my own space to ~~live~~ ~~exist~~ survive in, when he was diagnosed with lung cancer. So my plans changed. The next 6 months were a blur of doctor visits and hospitalizations until he breathed his last a few minutes after midnight on November 14, 2013.

A few months later, as I was going through his papers I discovered that he had been having an affair with another woman (who also thought he was true as well as single) for 18 months while he was living with me (before we got married) and making me endure weekly (pointless, I thought) lectures on his thoughts about people who cheated on their loved ones and how awful and wrong they were. Hypocrisy, much? Guilty, much?

She had found out about me and kicked him to the curb but made the decision NOT to interfere in our relationship by informing me that he was cheating on both of us. I know she thought she was doing me a kindness but I deserved to have that information. Remaining in the dark of who this man truly was, I proceeded to marry him.

Did he really want to be with me or was I just the only option available now that the other relationship had ended?

I wonder sometimes how my life would have been different if I had known about his cheating at the time. It might have been better, it might have been worse. I am certain it would have turned out much differently. And my family would not have been so hurt by my relationship with my strange, secretive husband in the process.

This put me in a tailspin of confusing emotions. I had thought that – despite his mental illness (OCD), his love was something I could count on and draw strength from. After all, he spent a lot of time telling me how honest and virtuous and moral and good and Christian he was (subtext: a better person than me, in his mind.) And now that was proven to be false and all the memories that were supposed to comfort me in my widowhood ruined, by this discovery. And the worst part? I couldn’t even confront him with this knowledge and try to get some answers and closure for myself.

I’m truly sorry that my second husband had to die so young and of such a terrible disease as lung cancer. When he died though, my most prevalent emotion was an overwhelming sense of relief and that is the saddest thing, isn’t it? But it is my truth. My ordeal was over. My grief was very complicated and made even more so when I learned of his unfaithfulness.

The first few years of my widowhood were spent dealing with these emotions as I was cleaning up his hoard, selling my place to clear up the debts he left behind, and incurring more debt as I fixed up the decrepit building he left me with, and completed the MBA program we had both started. All while still working full-time at my career. Therapy helped; fixing up the building and making it profitable (finally) helped; becoming my alter-ego The Widow Badass helped (a lot). Friends helped too, although I had kept the knowledge of his infidelity to myself for many months after discovery because it took an awful lot of time for me to process, accept and acknowledge what I had learned and the full extent to which I had been manipulated and duped over the years.

Making the decision to retire at 60 and move to Vancouver Island was also very good for my mental health. I was no longer bombarded by memories every time I walked on a familiar trail or into a different room in the building my husband and I had spent so much time in. It was and is a fresh start and a new beginning.

Today I wake up every morning with a smile on my face and in my heart and look forward to the day ahead. This is me – a widow of 10 years. I’ve done my best to absorb all the lessons that can be gleaned from my travails and experiences so far and I am grateful for them all. I’m pretty sure I still have some revelations/a-ha moments in my future, though 😉…after all, if life has taught me anything it’s that I am a ~~stubborn~~ ~~thick~~ ~~delusional~~ SLOW LEARNER 🤣 ~~per my marriages.~~

Rock on,

The WB

The Sunday Schnauzer – First Frost

On November 12, 2023October 31, 2023 By Widow BadassIn Adventures with dogs, Bowser the Schnauzer31 Comments

Believe it or not, the rain turned to snow I featured in the last post did not include a frost. That (our first frost of the season) happened the day after the snow fall (October 26). Only on Vancouver Island, you say? 😉 Yes! At least in my little corner of the world.

The heavy rain followed by wet snow followed by frost meant that a lot of trees and tree branches now littered where we used to walk so freely.

Yesterday’s puddles now covered in a thin layer of ice.

All of that rain and snow means the creek is now almost back to the size and ferocity it was in the spring.

And our formerly dry summer crossings now involve wet feet, again.

But we don’t care. (These puddles are no longer icy because the sun was shining on them.)

Rock on,

The WB

The Sunday Schnauzer – Rain Turns to Snow

On November 5, 2023October 31, 2023 By Widow BadassIn Adventures with dogs, Bowser the Schnauzer33 Comments

On October 25, we woke up to snow. We had experienced an atmospheric river event the day before and as the temperatures dropped, the rain turned to the white stuff.

The morning’s walk looked like this.

Hey Bowser, do you remember snow from last year?

Between heavily laden tree branches bent down low and the deep ruts turning into mini-ponds, it was a tough slog at times on our normally open trail.

Bowser of course was up to any challenge.

We hope you are having adventurous weather too (but not too adventurous!).

Rock on,

The WB

What’s On Your Plate Blog Challenge – Harvest Festival Edition

On November 1, 2023October 31, 2023 By Widow BadassIn Adventures in Food, What's On Your Plate56 Comments

The second Monday of October has been designated (since 1957) as the day Canada officially celebrates and gives thanks for the annual harvest. Although it has been recognized as an annual holiday since 1879, there wasn’t an official date to celebrate before then and sometimes it was celebrated in November instead of October. I don’t know if we ever shared the same date as American Thanksgiving however we did adopt their customs of making the meal centre around turkey, pumpkin pie, and squash!

This year’s Thanksgiving was even more special to me because it included some food that I had grown or harvested myself (which I am truly thankful for!) AND because it included a special cranberry relish made by my challenge co-host, Donna. Donna and Richard were able to join us at my daughter’s house for this special meal (another in the long list of things I am thankful for!)

Donna’s delicious cranberry relish (photo ~~stolen from~~ by Donna)

Kabocha squash (aka buttercup; aka Japanese pumpkin) is hands-down my favourite squash. This was my first year attempting to grow it and for some reason I had it in my mind that it was difficult to grow, or maybe that it couldn’t be grown in my climate. I’d only even seen imported kabochas in the grocery store and never seen it at farmers’ markets either so I had incorrectly surmised this. Thankfully I found some seed and took a chance, anyways! The plants ended up almost taking over my garden, like some kind of alien life force 🤣.

Kabocha squash spreading like the tentacles of an octopus all over the garden. Clearly not difficult to grow!

Most of this year’s kabocha squash harvest. One of these beauties ended up on the Thanksgiving table.

Another item featured in our harvest celebration was the blackberry! We had as a family gone blackberry picking on several occasions in August, and some of this hard-earned bounty ended up being featured in a trifle.

Blackberries from my freezer. *I think most of the scars on my legs and arms from the harvesting of these have faded by now* 😩 😉.

Blackberry jam made by my talented son-in-law being spread on the sherry-soaked cake as part of the assembly process for the trifle. *The name on the jar says it all.*

And here are some shots of the harvest feast:

Some of the dishes on the breakfast bar – turkey, stuffing, Donna’s relish, mashed potatoes, roasted brussel sprouts with pancetta, kabocha squash. Photo by Donna.

Ready to enjoy this feast! Photo by Donna.

My blackberry trifle and a fantastic pumpkin pie from the Wild Poppy (a delightful gluten-free bakery in town), for our harvest celebration dessert.

Bonus content: Last month there was some fun discussion in the Comments about my drawer of shame. I thought I would include a photo, so you have a visual…

A chaotic, chronic mishmash of mostly useful kitchen gadgets. *STILL* not organized.

For contrast and comparison, this is the drawer above the Drawer of Shame. *Much more civilized.*

That’s it for me for this month. As always, please join in the fun in the Comments section and/or join the Link Party.

And please check out Donna’s blog, where she “goes bananas”!

Feeling thankful for all my readers and contributors to this challenge…💕🙏💕

Rock on,

The WB

The Sunday Schnauzer – Fall Colours #walktober

On October 29, 2023 By Widow BadassIn Adventures with dogs, Bowser the Schnauzer43 Comments

Nature has a more limited colour palette here in the west, than it does in the eastern part of Canada. But Bowser and I are appreciating every day, just the same.

I believe this is called toadflax. One of the few plants flowering at this time of year.

The odd bit of red comes from dying salal leaves.

It’s hard to get close-ups of Bowser as he is eager to trot ahead and explore.

Oh, looks like he finally remembered I am on this walk too 🤣.

Brilliant blue skies provide a great backdrop for the changing colours.

The rains mean return of puddles in all the ruts.

We hope you are having a great and colourful weekend! This is my post for Change is Hard’s Walktober Challenge.

Rock on,

The WB

Wordless Wednesday – My Fall Fungi Fixation

On October 25, 2023October 24, 2023 By Widow BadassIn See the Beauty, The Great Outdoors28 Comments

I’ve come across so many Amanita mushrooms this fall. Never encountered these before. Now I am obsessed.

Rock on,

The WB

The Sunday Schnauzer – Bowser Has A Houseguest

On October 22, 2023October 19, 2023 By Widow BadassIn Adventures with dogs, Bowser the Schnauzer39 Comments

Meet Poppy:

A 14 year old Chihuahua, Poppy stayed with Bowser and Mommy and Daddy last week while *his* mommy was out of the country.

Poppy, showing off his BDE (Big Dog Energy). It is usually short-lived 🤣, but we love his enthusiasm.

Bowser is not a fan of the new, slower pace to our walks.

He also wonders why Poppy must pee all over the places he, Bowser, has just peed upon.

Partway through each shortened walk, Poppy starts flagging and gets zipped into Mommy’s jacket. He likes being treated like the king that he is 👑.

Bowser usually wants to play more than Poppy, which leads to Poppy becoming even more of a grumbly old man than he already is. But at least they are very good at napping together.

We have nicknamed Poppy “the coffee pot”, as he makes noises like a percolating coffee machine. A LOT. It gives us anxiety as we try to figure out what is bothering him, if in fact he is bothered. Is this a Chihuahua thing? Anyways, I like him best when he is at rest. Then I *know* he is relaxed.

Bowser has been spending even more time at my house this past week, to give each dog a break from the other. I can’t say that I am mad about that 😉.

Bowser and I, chillin’ like villains in front of the fire after a rainy walk.

It’s been an interesting week! Who knew Bowser could appear to be practically zen-like, in comparison? 🤣

Rock on,

The WB

My Renovation Projects – Part 2: The Fireplace

On October 21, 2023October 20, 2023 By Widow BadassIn Move to Dragonfly Cottage, Renovation52 Comments

Read about Part 1, here.

Funny story about my fireplace…I can’t have a wood-burning or gas fireplace where I live so that leaves me with electric as the only other option. I’ve had an electric fireplace before, and it was…OK. Pretty, but noisy to run and very obviously fake flames. So last winter I researched electric fireplaces and decided that the Dimplex Revillusion fireplace was the realest fake on the market and the one I was most interested in. However, it is not to be found IRL (in real life) anywhere near where I live. I didn’t want to buy one sight-unseen as they are not cheap. So I shelved the idea and went on to other projects (of which you might rightfully guess I have many! 😉).

Then I went back to Ontario in June to attend a special event for a friend’s daughter and while I was there I visited my good friends Kenn and Jonathan (who now live in my old apartment, above their museum). They show me all the changes they have wrought in my old place (all magnificent!) and lo and behold they had built an electric fireplace into a wall of bookshelves and IT. IS. THE. DIMPLEX. REVILLUSION. I practically screamed when I saw it. (Another funny story: they had also bought the exact same washer/dryer unit as I did. Can you believe it? What are the chances???).

Anywho, I got to see it in action and was convinced it was the unit for me. So I ordered one in late August.

Now I had to find a mantle to fit around the firebox. I went to good ol’ Facebook Marketplace and searched and searched. Nothing would fit it exactly. Then I found one that almost fit…and it was FREE. What did I have to lose? I could try to fix it and if I failed… well, it was FREE! I picked it up.

I had to remove the shelf in order to fit the firebox so that means I needed a new front piece. I went to Home Depot to buy a piece of wood and the helpful guy in the lumber area suggested a piece from the “FREE pile” (did you know they had one???) and he cut the perimeter to fit. So far so good! My expensive firebox is getting enclosed in a free mantle with a free front piece. Whee!!!

And here’s where it started getting expensive…Home Depot couldn’t cut out the inner piece to make it snugly accommodate the firebox so I ended up buying a jigsaw so I could do it myself ($75). And then I bought some peel and stick stone tile to decorate the front (2 x $60).

Inner piece cut out by *Yours Truly* and her new jigsaw. The tiles I bought to finish the front piece are in the centre. The tile is called “weathered granite” for some strange reason. *It sure looks like slate to me. And I am not mad about it!*

And then I stupidly bought way too much paint for this project ($85). But I was able to use it for the long overdue painting of my 2nd hand drop leaf dining table, and I will also use it to paint some other 2nd hand cabinets I have (yet another future project…sigh).

The colour is Potting Soil, by Behr – a deep earthy ~~goose poop~~ olive. I picked it to match the undertone of the ~~slate~~ *weathered granite* tile. I bought the top of the line paint-plus-primer because this piece really needed the ~~coverage~~ love.

Beginning to apply the stone to the front piece and checking how it is turning out…I just love the look and gorgeous colouring of the slate…uh…I mean *weathered granite*. 😉

Closeup of ~~slate~~ *weathered granite* tile.

I also used the jigsaw to cut out a bit of the base of the mantle so it could fit snugly over the baseboard and against the wall.

Finished project, with Bowser photobombing once again! *He MUST be in the middle of all things I do, just like a cat.*

My new living room setup – a very *Grandma’s cozy cottage* vibe, doncha think? 😁 Future plans include perhaps some built-in looking shelves on either side of the mantle (after all, I have lots of paint! 🤣). My TV, bought for the much larger living room in my old apartment, looks a tad out of proportion here but it will have to do.

Me dreaming up new projects as I enjoy my new fireplace.

I am so pleased at how this turned out. The DIY gods were certainly smiling down at me for this project. ~~Or maybe it was Beginner’s Luck.~~ I hope I am this lucky with my next project: The Cloffice. Stay tuned!

Rock on,

The WB

p.s. for those wanting to know without doing the actual math:

My FREE mantle ended up costing:

$75 for the jigsaw
$120 for the peel and stick tile
$85 for paint
Priceless: pride and satisfaction

Grand total: $280

My Renovation Projects – Part 1

On October 19, 2023October 19, 2023 By Widow BadassIn Move to Dragonfly Cottage, Renovation36 Comments

I’ve been in my little cottage just over a year now. During that time I’ve had the kitchen renovated,

Completed, almost. At this point I was still waiting on the tile backsplash.

and new flooring laid,

A much younger Bowser inspects the work.

painted walls, and created a new laundry room and a backyard oasis. Also on my to-do list for my home this year was finishing off the unfinished entryway and getting myself a fireplace before winter.

Here is the entry way, before:

View to front door (and Bowser photobomb 😂)

And here it is after engaging the services of a talented family friend to finish the space, and painting the walls myself:

I’m lining the space with old furniture (including from my daughter’s teenage bedroom!) to provide me with much needed storage.

The only piece I bought for the entry is this tiny pantry cabinet, and some shoe cabinetry from IKEA.

I’m super pleased with how this turned out. And how much more spacious my entire place feels with this area finished and providing extra storage for me. My entryway is now so much cooler in the summer and I anticipate will be warmer in the winter, thanks to insulating and finishing off the ceiling and walls.

Stay tuned for Part 2, and my fireplace dream come to life!

Rock on,

The WB

The Sunday Schnauzer – Beach Blanket Bowser

On October 15, 2023October 14, 2023 By Widow BadassIn Adventures with dogs, Bowser the Schnauzer23 Comments

Bowser’s Mommy is taking over ye olde blogge this week! Last weekend, Bowser went with Mommy and Daddy for an overnight camping trip to Ucluelet and to visit the beaches of Tofino. All pictures and captions courtesy of ~~Mommy~~ Bowser.