WARNING: Please click away if your nerves are far too delicate to read about bathrooms and associated functions.

Remember back at the beginning of the pandemic when everyone was losing their minds and all sorts of craziness was happening? We were all so scared and unsure of what was going to happen next. And some scoundrels tried to buy up all the essentials, leading to shortages of everything and the people were going on Facebook to beg for toilet paper AS THERE WAS NONE TO BE HAD IN ALL THE LAND? Yeah, thanks a lot hoarders! Gone through your stockpile(s) yet, jerkwads?

Well, around that time I began chatting regularly online with a bunch of blogger friends via Zoom and the topic of bidets came up during one session, and how great they were to use and – especially – how you didn’t need all that much toilet paper if you used one. I remember researching bidets at that time – along with the rest of the universe, apparently – and although I could find information on them, there were none to be had as demand has far outstripped supply. Go figure. Sigh. Turns out I had just enough TP to get me through until the shelves were restocked, so I promptly forgot all about bidets once the GREAT TP SHORTAGE OF 2020 was over.

Fast forward to present day: I somehow severely fucked up strained my back muscles last week. I could hardly move and when I absolutely had to move it was groan-out-loud painful (sorry, neighbours!). We are talking A STRUGGLE to put on socks and underwear, and to get from lying down to sitting to standing and vice versa.

And did you know how much you need to involve your back muscles in order to thoroughly wipe your nether regions clean after using the toilet? Let me elucidate you, in case you didn’t already know: IT’S A LOT, ACTUALLY. IT’S QUITE A LOT.

I was bitching complaining chatting about this very thing with my massage therapist this past week when she said those 3 magic words that sent me running back to Amazon: GET A BIDET.

I bravely started to do the install after reading the instructions and putting my talented son-in-law on speed dial, just in case.

And then, dear Badassians, it all went to shit wrong. Trying to affix the t-valve to the toilet tank….water leaking everywhere once I turned it back on! So I undid everything and tried to put the toilet back together as it was before I started messing with it. No good. Still spraying water everywhere. I shut the water valve off yet again and frantically called the SIL, who came right over and diagnosed the problem!

First – as I suspected – it was partly the blame of the shitty plastic wrench included in the kit. Although I thought I was behaving like a pretty poor workman blaming the tool and all that, but whatevs. Second – and completely related to the first – when I was tightening the t-valve I was loosening the fitting coming from the toilet at the same time. Thankfully SIL came prepared with a REAL wrench and his big man hands and a less sore back than mine, and soon there was this:

After thanking SIL profusely and seeing him out the door, it was time to take Ye Olde Bidet for its (and my) maiden voyage. I want to say it was a dry run, as I didn’t actually need to use the facilities, but “dry” is not the right word when describing how a bidet is supposed to work.

It has taken some finessing (one must develop a technique; some skill, as it were), but overall I am quite happy with this upgrade to Ye Olde Water Closet. In the succinct words word of someone named Brad (see quote on box, above), this bidet addition is:

“FANTASSTIC!’

Rock on,

The WB