Six years ago today – at a few minutes after midnight on November 14, 2013 – I became a widow, hence it is the 6th “birthday” of my alter-ego, The Widow Badass. To say my feelings on this are complicated would be correct, and also a complete simplification of my emotions. I don’t know if there are enough words in the language or enough time and space in anyone’s attention span to describe how I feel about…well…everything that happened during my relationship/marriage and JD’s demise and everything that I found out afterwards, and all that has happened since then. But I will try because it’s undoubtedly better than keeping it all rolling around inside my brain. If you want to skip this post and wait for something more entertaining/funny/silly, I can’t won’t blame you.

I feel guilty today because I don’t miss him at all and I love my new life so much I feel sometimes like my joie de vivre is equivalent to revelling in his death. Which I still feel awful about – nobody deserves to die from cancer, and at the age of 54 to boot. I’m not at all happy that he had to get cancer, suffer and die (blog posts about that start here) yet as a direct result of that I am living a happier, much more peaceful and contented life, with greatly reduced levels of stress.

I feel hurt and angry today because of all that I have found out about JD since he died. I was manipulated and lied to – by a master of the “craft”. The sheer magnitude of his hypocrisy regarding infidelity continues to stagger me to this day.

I feel cheated today because any happy memories I had of good times we shared together are now sullied by finding out his true nature after he passed. When I recall a happy or tender memory, my mind immediately goes to the many betrayals of my trust I uncovered after his death and any good feelings vanish like fog pierced by sunlight.

And every once in a while, I get a blast from his past that raises more questions than answers and drives home the point that I really was bamboozled by this man.

Like when I went to Birks a couple of years ago to follow up on some stuff regarding the diamonds he gave me and the helpful clerk told me the diamond and pearl necklace JD gave me was not covered under the trade-up plan. Except he never gave me that necklace (ummm…awkward) so now I know what the woman he cheated on me with got for Christmas that year – the year he decided we should forgo presents to each other, to save money.

Or like when I got the poisoned pen letter.

Or like when I went to the cemetery to pay respects to JD’s dad and found someone had left a necklace with JD’s astrological symbol on his dad’s headstone, on the backside of the stone beneath JD’s initials. His sister (with me at the time) asked if I had placed it there. When I said no, she quickly (and weirdly, I thought) told me that one of JD’s male cousins must have left it there, then. Sure. Whatever. Probably another girlfriend…

So I also feel like a fool today.

I know it’ll be good for me to leave this building he bought, that I emptied out, restored and poured my heart, soul and dollars into (once I had paid off the massive debt JD left me with, and no life insurance policy either). I go into certain rooms and closets and am reminded of the terrible stuff I found in there, stuff that painted a very different picture of the man I thought I knew, the man I thought was deserving of my heart and soul. I’ll be relieved to leave those triggers behind.

And yet I feel so much joy today because so many wonderful things have happened to me since he died. I’ve met some wonderful people and made some friendships for life – friendships that could not have happened if he were still alive. I’ve grown so much as a person. I’ve been tested and I think I have passed. I’m looking happily forward to a future I could never have imagined if JD was still alive.

He didn’t want me to retire…not even at 65 – he thought we both should keep working until 70, at least. JD also harangued me weekly to join him in a doctoral program, once we completed our MBAs. It exhausts me to think back to that time.

This day will pass. It always does. And my feelings will be left once again on the back burner – on simmer – instead of coming to their annual boil. As I continue to move forward in the Badass life that I love.

Rock on,

The WB

If only my life were really like this picture. Neat, tidy and serene. Always a steaming cup of tea at the ready,  in my grown-up version of a sippy cup (which is the most brilliant thing, really…hie thee to a store and get one, if you don’t have one already). Dollar Store Buddha nearby, for constant  inspiration and meditative focus. Healthy, happy greenery contributing to the ambiance.

While my actual  life can be chaotic, here on my blog – in my virtual life – I can create the kind of world of my dreams. By clearing off my meeting table in my office, washing and dusting the surface, and carefully staging the picture to give you the impression of calm and order. Peaceful, ain’t it?

If the tea bag could talk, this is what it would say about the above photo and caption:

(And by the by there, Tazo – what gives with the facsimile of an old-timey,  fountain pen-scratched name on the tag? Am I supposed to actually believe that Esq. Joh…something something…etten penned his signature in approval on this very batch of tea, of which I purchased a portion? For shame!)

August is almost over and I am pretty sure I will meet my purge/organize goal but my strength training goal will fall short of the 5+ hours I wanted to achieve. I am not too happy about this, but I must will learn from this and move on.

So, what happened that I couldn’t fit the workouts in? Well, for one thing, I started with a new DVD of 15 minute workouts and holey moley, they made me sore! More sore than I am used to, thanks to Ms. Jackie Warner and her Power Circuit Training.

And for another thing, I didn’t take good care of myself in the sleep department this month either. Early mornings after late nights equals one pretty hairy accumulation of sleep debt, and lack of energy for physical exertion as the body fights to conserve whatever is left, for daily living. Naps help, but in a “band-aid” fashion – nothing beats a good night’s sleep, as I found out on the odd occasion I got one.

Sore, tired, cranky, uninspired. Yep, that was me in August. Thank goddess the month is just about done. Time to focus on the next.

It’s almost September and soon I will be married for one year. Today I worked on this, as a surprise for JD:

Shadowbox featuring our wedding invitation – with leftover papers from its creation, unused place cards, JD’s corsage, my throw-away bouquet (that I didn’t), hairpins from the day and sparkly gee-gaws from my actual bouquet (which is still hanging in my office and too big for the box). I sure hope he likes it!