…Unbelievable

Something unbelievable happened to me yesterday. I am still trying to process it.

Yesterday was Day 1 of my kitchen/bathroom renovation project. The apartment was a nuthouse as demolition started. I took half a day off work to meet with the flooring guy, my countertop guy, my contractor, see the progress, meet with some folks from the City about a revitalization project for the building’s exterior, AND pick out tiles, toilets and vanities. Because if I am taking time off of work to go home and meet someone, I am going to DO. ALL. THE. THINGS.

Between the flooring guy and the City meeting, there was an hour for lunch so the tenants and I went down the street to the roadhouse to fuel up. It was almost 2 pm and I was feeling pretty hollow at this point.

Lunch ran a bit late so I excused myself and walked quickly back up the street to meet with the City people.  As I passed my real estate agent’s office I saw that he was in and gave him a big wave and got one in return.

Then I saw a guy walking towards me in a very bright colour-blocked jacket, with the hood up over his head, and black pants. He wore glasses and had a dark cap pulled low on his forehead. I thought nothing of him until he passed me. I acknowledged his presence with a smile and a nod and was shocked to see my husband’s face (the pre-cancer face, not the gaunt one I last laid eyes on) looking back at me. He even had the same expression on his face that I knew and loved so well. Looking at me with downcast, laughing eyes, and a sly grin as he returned my unspoken greeting. He didn’t slow down, just smiled and kept on going.

I didn’t stop or turn around. I kept walking because my rational mind said I did not just walk past my dead husband on the street, and I could see the City people already waiting outside the building. So I broke into a little trot.

I told myself to stop freaking out and pull myself together for the meeting. Then afterwards, I told my tenants what had happened to me. Jonathan, who had left the restaurant shortly after me, remarked that he had seen me further up the street rushing to meet the others but he had no recollection of seeing a man in a bright jacket.

Unbelievable.

When my husband became ill, he often told me that if he didn’t make it he would be always watching over me. He also said to look for signs that he was still around. I told him that if he did this, the signs would have to be glaringly obvious and/or dramatic because I have never been sensitive in this way and I likely would miss them, otherwise.

I think this qualifies.

The WB

 

 

…Quotation

I have a free app (Transform Your Life) on my phone that delivers a lesson in the form of a quotation every day (at 10:15 am precisely, because I told it to).

Today’s quotation:

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials – Lin Yutang

Today’s lesson:

Much of our lives are spent doing things we don’t want to do that don’t need to be done. Assignment: Today, look for non-essentials you can eliminate. Hint: Look for the non-essentials in habits.

Hello, Facebook – biggest time-suck habit in my universe, currently! And mostly non-essential. How much more could I get done in a week with the 30 minutes a day (at least) I spend with my nose in the ‘Book?

What non-essential habits would you want to eliminate?

The WB

…never say never

Never, my friends, is a long long time.

I try never to say never. Yet on some topics (*cough…husband #3…cough*) I still do.

I try never to say never because there have been so many times I have said never to something and then never became maybe and then maybe became probably and then probably became certainly and next thing you know I am busy explaining to my friends and family why I defected from the People’s Republic of Never-Never Land.

Take running, for instance. I said never to this for most of my adult life. I would tell people: If you ever catch me running, look behind me to see what or who is chasing me and call 911.

Things started to change for me in 2002 when I fell in love with (and later married) a “jock” who gently encouraged me and fully supported me in pushing my limits.

A-hem.

To date I have been “caught running” at 4 half-marathon events and no one has had to call 911 for me yet.

My fifth half is coming up shortly, on June 7th in Niagara Falls. I am walking the distance this time because I didn’t want to risk injury from running on snowy and icy trails when training officially began in February. (Before you suggest: I hate treadmill running for a multitude of reasons but primarily because I. AM. NOT. A. HAMSTER.)

I will never sign up for a full marathon. 😉

What have you said never to, and then had to eat your words later?

The WB

…Money

I used to really sweat about money. A lot.

For most of my adult life it seemed there was never enough to make me feel safe. I didn’t usually run out of money before I ran out of month although there were many long stretches that were too close for my comfort.

During these times I only bought stuff that was an absolute need and then only on sale, scrimped on groceries, got creative with what was in the freezer and the pantry, said NO a lot…and found ways to amuse myself and the kids that didn’t cost anything. It really irked me that I couldn’t ever let my guard down about money and just spontaneously treat my loved ones (or even myself) to a gift or a dinner or a show. Sometimes I did it anyway, then fretted about it the whole time.

Money management was all about keeping the ever-looming wolf (in my mind, at least) from the door.

I remember during one of these stretches that a good friend asked me to be her guest at a conference in the Bahamas. All I had to do was pay for was the flight and bring some spending money. My hotel, meals and recreational activities would all be paid for – a fantastic opportunity, in the dead of winter!

This was during a very dark time in my life  – I was being stalked and harassed on a daily basis without any real help from the police – and I was starting a new life as a single parent. I really needed some respite from this situation, to be briefly safe and to breathe deeply again, and to gather my thoughts.

I managed to find an amazingly cheap last-minute flight with only 1 problem – I would have to be in Nassau 2 nights before my friend showed up. I couldn’t afford to stay at the hotel the conference was going to be in so I found 2 cheap places nearby – a motel and a B&B (that offered afternoon tea as well as breakfast, in the price!) Neither place could accommodate me for both nights so I had to move around. I decided I was going to book the flight and join my friend!

But what to do for food? I had very little money and eating out on the island was expensive. So I packed some trail mix, two apples, and a bag full of sandwiches (some cheese and some peanut butter) along with my luggage and off I went.

I had a fabulous time for those 2 (now suddenly 3) days by myself as I waited for my friend (who was unavoidably detained and arrived a day later than planned). Thankfully the Hilton let me check in ahead of my pal!

I had to crash the Executive Floor’s Happy Hour that night and load up on complimentary wine and appetizers, having run out of sandwiches by then… 🙂

The point of this story, for me, is that I had much more fun and adventure trying to manage in this way than I would have ever had if I was flush with cash.

It also provided one of the many lessons life has taught me about money and having faith in my own resourcefulness to find a way around financial (and other) obstacles put in my path.

So, lack of money doesn’t bug me quite like it did in times past. The kids have flown, I’m on my own (bonus poetry…hehehe) – things are easier now that I have only my self to be responsible for.  And I believe enough in myself, finally.

I imagine the worst case scenario – I lose everything and have to start over from scratch – and I now know I have the strength and the will to make the hard but necessary choices, if it comes to that. And maybe even (dare I say it?) have some fun doing it. I am confident I will always be able to manage (financially and otherwise) with whatever life throws at me.

So those kind of worries don’t keep me up at night anymore. Money has become one of the smaller things in my life…and we all know we’re not supposed to sweat the small stuff, right?

The WB

…Lung cancer – the AIDS of cancers

When JD was diagnosed with lung cancer, we were gobsmacked. How could this happen? He never smoked, didn’t work in a smoky environment, wasn’t exposed (to our knowledge anyways) to any of the other environmental toxins linked to cancer.

It. Just. Happened.

I wish I had a nickel for every time someone asked me if he smoked. The conversation usually went like this:

Me: We just found out JD has lung cancer, stage 4.

Person: Oh, that’s terrible! (Then, almost immediately) Is he a smoker?

Me: No, not ever.*

Person: That is so unfair.

(So clearly it is then fair if you are a smoker???)

It was so noticeable – the type and order of the questions – that I wanted to say “Yes, like a chimney” to the inevitable smoking question, to see how the person responded after that apparently vital piece of information was revealed. But I never did, because it seemed mean and tricksy to do that to people. Also, I needed all my energy for supporting JD – not arguing with educating people.

Here’s the sad thing. I am 100% sure I either did or would have responded in the exact same way prior to our experience with this disease. Yes, I was one of those JUDGMENTAL KNOBS prior to May of 2013, unaware of the stigma facing lung cancer sufferers who admit to smoking. As if the damn disease wasn’t enough to have to deal with.

But since then, I’ve had loads of time to research and to ruminate on all things lung cancer and I am here to tell you that EVERYONE who gets the Big C, in any part of the body, deserves our full compassion and support. No qualifiers, please.

Lung cancer research is one of the most underfunded, and yet this cancer with rising rates is one of the deadliest. The reasons?

First – by the time you are diagnosed, for most people it’s already too late.

Second – the general public thinks it is an entirely avoidable disease so why are they being asked to donate to a cancer that people bring on themselves? Let’s donate instead to one of those other deadly cancers like breast or prostate or melanoma and let the lung cancer victims die like flies suffer from their poor choices.  Hmmm…what’s going to happen to melanoma research now in the years ahead that when all the tanning bed enthusiasts are start dying, I wonder?

I don’t want to get into a long rant about how powerful and blinding the twin forces of addiction and denial are. If you are any kind of a human being, you probably already know this. But I think, as an ex-smoker, that I can speak for all smokers when I say that no one gets into – and keeps – smoking FOR THE CANCER.

So please, in this month of cancer awareness and all year round, if you learn that someone has been diagnosed with lung cancer:

Don’t ask if they smoked. It doesn’t matter anymore, really! (Except to health care professionals who are determining the best treatment options and do need to know this.) Never-smokers and long-time ex-smokers get lung cancer too, so who’s to say the smoking definitively caused this particular occurrence of disease? Meditate on this if you need to silence your inner Judgy McJudgetrousers.

Put all your “I told you so” and “Well, what did you think was gonna happen when you kept sucking on those coffin nails?” thoughts in a box to the left, to the left…and keep yer yap zipped and yer gaze set to “Compassion with a Capital C”.

The cancer is here now and nothing you can say or think will change this or help, unless you:

Do offer the person and their family all the love and support that’s in you to give.

They’re gonna need it.

This has been a public service announcement by WB Industries – striving to make the world a less judge-y place, one post at a time.

The WB

*I added the “not ever” to my response because I quickly learned the next question would inevitably be: Did he used to smoke?

…the Journey

This is something my relationship with JD taught me. To be able to stop and just be – in the moment – and appreciate the journey we were on. Instead of being so focused on achieving the end goal that you don’t even remember how you got there. Guilty as charged, at times!

JD loved road trips. I think it was the only time he felt really safe and peaceful – in total control behind the wheel of the car, protected by steel and glass. Beyond the reach (at least momentarily) of the demands of his life  – especially those created by his OCD. We had so many wonderful conversations on our journeys. So many laughs, songs sung, remembrances, musings and revelations.

Because his OCD made his life (and mine) so out of balance – chaotic and overwhelming – JD felt he never had time to stop and truly enjoy life. So when he did agree to take a break (even just for 24 hours), we packed as much fun and spontaneity into those mini-vacations as any humans possibly could.

I learned to leave all my other cares aside and just fully immerse myself in this altogether too brief semi-respite from the demands of living daily with someone with such a severe anxiety disorder. I learned when you can do this that a 24 hour vacation is just as refreshing (maybe even more so) as a long weekend or even a full week away from routine life.

How many of us have gone on vacation and packed our worries along with the sunscreen and the books we’ve been meaning to get to?

I’m not saying it’s easy to leave our worries behind and just enjoy the moment. But I am saying the benefits of learning to let go and fully savour each moment of the journey as it occurs are immense.

The WB