…Deciphering things.

I have spent a good deal of time and mental energy in the past 3 years trying to find the answers to a lot of things such as:

• why did my husband have to get cancer?
• why did he have to die?
• why am I still here?
• what do I do now?
• what does IT all mean?
• and,
• WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE????? 🙂

Going through JD’s things after his passing while cleaning up both properties created even more situations and information that needed processing and understanding. My husband was very secretive and I was not allowed access to his things while he was alive. I had to go through everything he hoarded piece by piece after his death as the “good” (family mementos, money, valuable papers, useable stuff) was lumped in with the “bad” (garbage, broken stuff, useless papers, more garbage) with no organization.

It was like an archeological dig, people. With just as many hypotheses, theories, assumptions and questions begging to be tested, confirmed, answered. Including that the person(s) with the answers were never going to be around to fill in the blanks for me.

These blanks were driving me crazy. So crazy that lately I felt I needed professional help to deal with the unanswered questions repeating like a broken record in my mind.

It only took one session with a counselor, really, to help me get off of the mental merry-go-round I was on.

I have stopped trying to decipher my husband’s OCD-addled thinking. I have stopped feeling the need to get the answers I will never receive.

I’ve learned to be OK with that. I’ve learned to stop investing energy where I can get no return. It is what it is and it was what it was. I can’t change it but I can change my thinking about it.

I am still here. That is what matters now.

Rock on,

The WB

Today, I got up early to go and help my sister-in-law clean out Dad’s house and get it ready for sale. I went to Tim Horton’s to grab something to eat first (oatmeal and a tea) and picked up a newspaper laying on one of the tables. Being a compulsive reader, I scanned the first section I saw – the obituaries.

The first one that caught my eye was about a woman who emigrated to Canada and spent her life raising her brood and giving her energy to multiple causes, which were listed but I forgot them already. This woman was apparently quite a free thinker and spirit, passionate about her beliefs, and walked her talk. This much I remember!

Then I read the next one – this woman’s obit was much shorter and spoke only of her love of clothes, shoes and golf. In that order.

I remembered more of the details of this obituary because I thought to myself: I hope when I go that I have left enough of an impact that people have more to say about me than that I liked shoes. I know this is not an original thought. I have read somewhere about living your life with your future obituary in mind, but it is good to be reminded of this.

The WB

Great. Now I can’t get that Supremes’ song outta my head.

What a crazy ride this month has been for me…I am sure I am not alone in this.

I did not know when starting this challenge that 2 weeks in I would be scrambling, midweek, to empty out rooms so that a major home renovation project (long dreamed) could begin. One that I would be living through. One that I am still living through, for many weeks to come.

I also did not know that my late husband would pay me a quick visit the day the renovation began (U is for Unbelievable).

Having signed up at the last minute (March 30, I believe) and never having done anything like this before, I went into this feeling pretty confident. I didn’t have any idea what I would blog about and had nothing prepared in advance.  I also had no theme. I wrote almost every post the day of, and somehow always managed to come up with something to say. Because I am stubborn that way.

I was surprised by what came out of me for some of my posts. Some were just meh. It was a good great exercise in producing daily content, inner perfectionist editor be damned.

I tried to visit and comment on other blogs till the sudden start of my renovation made this nigh impossible. I tried to follow the rule of visiting the next 5-10 blogs after me but I found this frustrating. First, it was really hard to find ME. Especially as I kept moving around in the listing (which I was told to expect but made things difficult nonetheless). Especially when I lost track of what # I had been at previously. (Note to self: write these things down next year!)

A search feature would be appreciated, going forward.

Quite a few of the initial blogs listed around me either were not participating or were AWOL altogether, which I was not anticipating. Bad luck? So I ended up scrolling the entire list and diving in here and there, when a blog title took my fancy.

When I did find a blog to comment on, sometimes it was very easy for me to post (hello, fellow WordPress users!) and sometimes it was very difficult, not being all that savvy in the ways of OpenID and the like.

I will strive to be better at this, for the next challenge.

I really did enjoy finding new blogs and authors (looking at you, Susan of Clearing Space for Joy, and also you Joanne of My Life Lived Full).

The voices of these women in particular (and I know there were others because I added them to my Feedly account – sorry for not giving you the shout out you deserve – blame “reno stress”) resonated with me as kindred spirits in optimism, constructive reflection and general fearlessness.

I hope I can continue with frequent posting as it is cheaper than therapy and more productive than hitting the bottle (or someone)…heheheh. KIDDING!

And I have no excuses anymore as I have proved to myself that it can be done.

Looking forward to next year’s challenge already.

Gratefully yours dear Blogging A-Z Team,

The WB

From 26 days of blogging to 31 days of meditation (10 minutes per day). I am sure if I dug around the ol’ innernetz pointedly enough I could find a challenge to undertake for every month of the year.

Yesterday on Facebook I found a link to the Mindful in May challenge, which is also a fundraiser. I don’t plan on doing much, if any, active fundraising this time but will donate a sizable amount at the end, to make up for this. Clean water projects – how can I not give to such a cause?

Especially since I am in the middle of a home renovation which includes a new and improved bathroom. In many parts of the world there is no clean water to drink and I have just had a soaker tub installed in my gutted bathroom that I will be filling with warm, drinkable water just to relax in. Insert first world guilt here.

Anywho…I am looking forward to this next challenge and what I can learn from it especially since I got so much out of the blogging challenge.

More on that later, in an upcoming reflections post!

The WB

 …ze end!

Hah! See how I cheated here?

Initially, I had listed some Z words as potential topics for today – words like Zen or Zinsser (the primer of choice for many undergoing a home reno project!) – but a lovely writer whose blog goes by Jen Seriously made a post that got me thinking about endings instead. The alpha to the omega. The A to the Z. The beginning to the end. To a new beginning.

It seems to me that far too many women are actively fighting and fearing ageing and that – from the viewpoint of my current, lofty crone throne – seems like such a waste of energy. Oh yeah – but I too used to worry about that, for years from time to time.

I remember as a young girl (maybe 7 or so?) looking in the hallway mirror and thinking about being a grown-up and worrying wondering who would marry me. Because at that age, that was all I knew of women’s lives. You grew up, got married and had a family.

Looking in that mirror, I saw that I was not an attractive young girl. I was not small, thin or delicate. My once-blonde hair was now plain brown, except for some golden streaks from a summer spent outdoors, and cut into the shortest, ugliest bowl cut imaginable (thanks Oma!). I was big for my age and quite pudgy – no, fat! My knees and elbows were purple and scabbed from exploring my environment. I told myself that I was so ugly that no one would want to marry me anyways so why was I even spending any time worrying about this? I remember such a sense of relief at that realization. Then I went outside to play, my moment of angst beyond my years quickly replaced with other pursuits.

I did grow from that ugly duckling into some kind of a swan, at puberty. At least, the boys noticed me and some girls were even jealous of me. Yet I still wasted spent far too many hours comparing myself to others and worrying about hanging onto my new attractiveness to the opposite sex.

In brief moments of lucidity during this time, I flashed back to the days when I felt relief and freedom at being ugly and hoped desperately that wondered if I would feel this way again when my hormones waned. I looked forward to this day – when I would be released from what I was sure was this completely hormone-induced craziness – and could go back to being my authentic, I-ain’t-got-time-for-this-BS  girlself. Finally unfettered from my body’s prime imperative to attract attention from the opposite sex in order to procreate, and able to go back to being who I really was – at my core.

That day has been here for some time now, my friends. I did go through a period of rather intense grieving for my lost youthful looks as I prepared to get married again – at age 51 – but that’s over now. I feared I would look silly as a bride and wanted so to turn back the clock, even just for that day. I was once again able to push aside these fears and went outside to play got married in full bridal regalia, regardless. My late husband thought I was beautiful, and I thought him handsome, and that’s all that matters. Each was seeing and loving the whole person, inside and out, and that is where true beauty comes from, anyway.

So – to cut this ramble short and get back to the point – youth ends, the blogging challenge ends, everything ends – but that is how we get to beginnings, again and again.

Now stop worrying. And get outside and play!

The WB

…YES!

So much of my life in the past was dedicated to saying NO. Due to budgetary and/or JD’s OCD-related issues, the default response to almost everything was NO. Sometimes, after consideration, the answer could be changed to YES, but mostly NO was the only response possible.

Now that I am widowed and without dependents or even a pet at the moment, I have decided the default answer to everything is YES.

YES, I would love to accompany you on a trip halfway around the world.

YES, I am available to meet with you at such-and-such a time.

YES, I would love to donate time and effort to this cause.

YES, please book me for this adventure.

YES, I can leave straight from work. See you soon.

YES, please come on over!

To facilitate my new default response, I have significantly upped the monthly contribution to my automatic savings plan. There should always be enough tucked away for a YES, without thought or hesitation.

YES, YES, YES! I can’t get enough of this word. 🙂

What is your default response to out-of-the-blue invitations or changes in plans?

The WB

…XOXO, Blogging A-Z Challenge!

Two more letters to go after today and the Letter X provides a perfect opportunity to X-press my warm feelings for being given the opportunity and the impetus to create 26 posts in 1 month. I’ve found some great voices and fellow human travellers during this time as I visited other blogs (and you are now subscribed to, in my Feedly!), and maybe even made some new friends. For all of this I am very thankful and appreciative.

I really neglected ye olde blogge during a crazy tough time in my life – my husband’s battle with lung cancer – because he didn’t want people to know he was suffering from this disease.  Even family once removed (cousins, aunts, uncles etc.) had no idea until he died. I also couldn’t write about his worsening OCD, or speak about it to friends and family.

This made blogging extremely difficult. How could I not speak about the 2 huge sources of sadness, anger, fear and frustration in my life? When I did post, it felt so false NOT to be discussing what was really going on. So these strictures very effectively silenced me. For a long time.

I got out of the habit of blogging. Post JD, I knew I should go back to the blog to spew out capture all that I was feeling and thinking. But building enough momentum to get started again was harder than I thought. Enter the A-Z Challenge.

Much as I have enjoyed participating, I know I will not maintain this frequency, going forward. Daily blogging will become a thing of the past, ’till next April. Especially during the next 5 months as I work on completing the requirements for my MBA. But I am committing to writing at least weekly, and hopefully more than that.

Thank you, Blogging A-Z Challenge 2015!

XOXO,

The WB