“If I’d Known I Was Gonna Live This Long…

On August 22, 2019August 23, 2019 By Widow BadassIn Badassery, Health Transformation, Music, Retirement67 Comments

…I’d have taken better care of myself. “- Eubie Blake

This week I got some news that I’d been waiting for – my health traits analysis, from My Heritage. They were able to pull this information from the sample I had submitted last year, for my genetic makeup.

I was absolutely sure that I would be told I was at increased risk for cardiac disease, given my history with TIAs, and my family history (father dying at 63 from a massive heart attack, younger sister experiencing a heart attack, other relatives with coronary artery disease). However, I am only at average risk for this and other biggies that people don’t want to know about – like Alzheimers and Parkinsons. My Heritage warns you before they give you the data that this information is in there, and asks you to assent that you actually do want to see your genetic propensity for these devastating diseases. Of course, I clicked a resounding YES. Information is power, people. If I am at an elevated risk for Alzheimers, damn straight I want to know about it so I can plan accordingly!

Long story short – I am at average risk for heart disease, various cancers, Crohn’s disease, some stuff I never heard of, and the aforementioned Alzheimers and Parkinsons. Whew!

I am slightly increased risk for Celiac disease. Hmmm…perhaps this explains my heartburn when I eat wheat, currently under control thanks to modern medicine?

And last but certainly not least, my health report states I am at significantly decreased risk of developing age-related macular degeneration – this is a relief, especially for someone with plans to play a lot with paint in retirement!

So now that it looks like I might live a lot longer than I had anticipated, maybe it’s time to take better care of myself. I’ve noticed I’ve been in a gradual decline of energy this summer.

I’ve been severely anemic before, and this is starting to feel a lot like that. Brain fog, overall fatigue and lack of stamina, lack of focus, falling asleep whenever I am “quiet”. I couldn’t even whip up the energy to make it to Riverfest Elora last weekend so there went the $99 I spent last August on a weekend pass for this year’s festival…ah well, that water is so far under the bridge, it’s already made it to the ocean. 🙂

This is so not me.

I did save my energy so I could go see P!nk on Sunday night though – the ticket was a birthday gift from a good friend of mine!

P!nk performing Just Like Fire. Guess who forgot her good camera at home, and had to rely on ye olde iPhonne? See aforementioned brain fog…sigh.

So What? She’s still a rock star, and she flew all around the arena in that harness. While singing. And doing all sorts of acrobatic maneuvers. BADASS.

OK, where was I? Ah yes. Feeling anemic. I mentioned in a comment to Donna, of Retirement Reflections, that I was needing an iron supplement to keep up with the schedule of things I have lined up. She thought I was joking. I was not, Donna! Behold:

This wonder elixir made me feel 20 years younger when I was anemic, years ago. One week after taking this liquid, I felt restored, and back to my old go-get ’em self again. Something months of swallowing iron tablets failed to do.

I purchased a bottle this week and will be taking it faithfully. My iron levels are on the low side of normal at the best of times, but I feel they may have slipped even further as I haven’t been eating a lot of red meat for many months now (and I’ve started really craving beef – another sign from my body that iron is needed). If this doesn’t pep me up, I’ll be making a visit to the doc for a thorough checkup.

Also on the self-care theme: I splashed out today on a Philips Sonicare toothbrush. My faithful Oral B toothbrush is showing signs of imminent battery failure, as it needs to be charged every other day now…and I am on my last brush head before needing to buy more. So it was definitely time to fish or cut bait as I’ve been dithering about what to do next for the past few months of watching my Oral B steadily go downhill.

This was a pretty expensive purchase. What to do? Get another Oral B, go back to a regular toothbrush, check out the Sonicare…Ultimately I decided on the latter. These were the thoughts that were going through my head:

I’ll be retired in a matter of months and won’t be able to afford it as easily then. (Already I am having these fearful thoughts about no more paycheques…shit!)
What’s the most environmentally friendly option? (Probably rubbing at your teeth with a twig…sigh. Moving on…)
I spent 6 grand on my smile these past 2 years (hello, Invisalign!); an electric toothbrush is protecting my investment.
I’ll have to pay for dental benefits once I retire and my coverage might not be as good as when I was employed; I’d better take the best care possible of my teeth. (More fearful thoughts! Double shit!!)

So, this is what’s going on with me at the moment – trying to get back some energy, and trying to keep my mouth healthy. And realizing that I am worrying already, about finances post-work life. Even though I have done the math over and over again. And my head knows I WILL BE FINE.

What about you, recent retirees or old hands at it? Did you have fearful thoughts about finances when contemplating your retirement? Do tell…

Rock on,

The WB

When Badassery Goes Too Far

On May 18, 2019May 18, 2019 By Widow BadassIn Badassery, Hmmm?50 Comments

A few weeks ago something pretty much unheard of where I live happened. A woman was shot to death in a parking lot in broad daylight. Police weren’t releasing too many details, other than her name and a couple of pictures of the vehicle they think that the suspect was using at the time the crime was committed. A couple of days later, the police acted on a tip and found the suspect and his vehicle in another parking lot in town. But as they closed in, he shot himself, and – despite intense medical efforts – passed away. So ends another tragic, shocking story in my part of the world – with two sets of grieving families and friends (victim’s and murderer’s).

The woman’s name sounded strangely familiar to me so I paid this story more attention than I normally would. It didn’t take me long to piece together that the victim was indeed the sister of someone that lived one house away from me during my first marriage. In another lifetime, the victim’s sister and I used to hang out once in a while when our kids were small and we were both ~~lonely and bored out of my mind~~ stay-at-home moms.

Then, as these things happen, I became privy to more details about the murder, through another acquaintance. Here’s what I was told.

The victim was irked that the murderer was dealing drugs in plain view in the parking lot of the victim’s building. She confronted the murderer about it and then started taking photos of the murderer’s car with her cell phone. That’s when she was shot with intent to kill (which happened), and her cell phone smashed by the murderer and left on the ground in the parking lot. The police were able to get the photos of the car from the broken cell phone they retrieved from the scene of the crime.

No doubt in my mind this woman was a Badass. She was of a certain age (very close to mine), where latent Badassery will manifest itself, whether resulting from life circumstances, declining hormone levels, increasing wisdom, or all of the above. I like to think all women eventually come into this Badass stage of life, and that it is one to be welcomed and applauded. Also known as the Zero Fucks Given, Sick of Always Being “Nice”, Sick of Taking Other People’s Shit stage of life.

However, there is a cautionary tale here. No doubt about it – realizing your true nature as a Badass is a wonderful thing…BUT! There is a BUT…and it’s a big ‘un.

BUT! PLEASE BE CAREFUL. The world needs us wise old lady Badasses (whether they know it or not) and now there is one less of us in the world. Don’t risk your personal safety to right the world’s wrongs.

You ~~may be~~ are fierce, but not fierce enough to stop a bullet or to overcome someone who is physically bigger and stronger than you. And then there is the futility of dealing with someone who may be mentally unstable.

Choose your battles wisely and with care, and think first and foremost of your own safety and well-being.

That is certainly the personal lesson I took away from this tragic event.

Stay safe out there fellow Badasses – and rock on,

The WB

Augusta or Bust-a: Mission Accomplished

On April 21, 2019April 21, 2019 By Widow BadassIn Badassery, Good Times, Roadtripping32 Comments

When last I left off, gentle readers, I was planning to take a portion of my dead husband’s ashes down with me to Augusta, to scatter them on the hallowed grounds of the golf course there, during the 2019 Masters event.

Well, I am happy to report that my mission was accomplished with no drama. Kinda anticlimactic, really.

Not only did I NOT get dragged off the course in ignominy, but my own people didn’t realize what I had done. Even though I made a point of making eye contact with them while I was doing it. I was amazed when I was asked – safely back at the hospitality suite – did I do what I set out to do?
Perhaps I need to go into the spy business. I seem to be (too) good at covert operations.

I scattered some of JD at 2 different locations, during the 2 days we spent at the tournament. Saturday was at the Amen Corner; Sunday was near the pond on Hole 16 – another pretty spot. Do I feel guilty about doing so? Not one bit. I am sure I am not the first, nor will I be the last to do so. Plus, the tablespoon of cremains I deposited is nothing compared to the amount of cigar ash deposited on the grounds daily, based on my observations.

As I mentioned in my previous post, no electronics were allowed on the course during the final days of the tournament so I don’t have any pictures to share…yet! I did get sent some pictures taken by someone who was on the course on the practice round days, when photography was allowed. I’ll post those after first debuting them in a slideshow at a special event I will be attending next week.

These (and accompanying verbiage) will probably make up the most of my upcoming Changing Seasons post for April.

Rock on,

The WB

Gutted by Grief

On August 23, 2018 By Widow BadassIn Badassery, Hmmm?34 Comments

Dear Blog,

By now you are no doubt wondering where I have suddenly gone. I’ve broken my promise to you to write weekly for this year and you are wondering what the hell happened when I have been going so strong, so far. Wonder no more, dear Bloggie. I have been gutted by grief.

Oh, I know what you are thinking. I should be an old hand at this grief thing by now. After all, I’ve lost so many loved ones over the past 5 years that I note and celebrate a year without a funeral in my annual Christmas letter. Seriously.

I knew that my adult daughter, Mizz J, leaving me to start a new life in British Columbia was going to be tough. After all, she has never lived more than a 15 minute car ride away from me for her entire life. And she spent the last 2 years living with me, again. But I had no idea just how bad it was going to be.

It started with my daughter and her man (who I also love and miss) pulling out of my driveway, for the last time (for the foreseeable future) about a week ago. We’d had a tearful parting, natch, although I was happy to see them start off on this adventure together, and they were happy to be going.

As the vehicle pulled away, I felt…I don’t know how to explain it really…just wrong in my body. I didn’t know what was happening to me physically other than I hated the feeling. Everything was wrong, in my body and my mind. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was distraught and absolutely at loose ends. It was horrible.

Was I dying? Is this what it feels like? I finally decided I wasn’t dying, so now what do I do?

I reached out on Facebook to people for suggestions on how to cope, and I got plenty of good ideas but truly, I was too upset and distracted to employ any of them at the time.

So, practical me, I cleaned instead. And organized. And wept. And thus worked myself into an exhaustion that left no more room for feeling.

So ended the first day.

It got slowly better after that, dear Blog. I went to work. I went to the 3rd of 3 music festivals I committed to this month. I cleaned more. I organized more. I exercised. I meditated. I journalled about being grateful to have deep, reciprocated feelings for family. I worked my plan for this time that I knew was coming.

I am plagued by high levels of fatigue and body aches, yet. I am forgetful and get distracted easily. Remember that advertisement for pain medication that proclaimed “Because depression hurts”? Well, grief hurts too. But even with all the grief I have experienced, to date nothing has given me physical symptoms like this.

Someone suggested that this episode is so severe because it is a culmination of everything that has gone before, hence the extreme reaction. Could be some (or a lot) of truth to that. I can’t say. All I can say is that I thought I knew what grief was, but dear Blog, I really had no idea how devastating it could be – not only mentally but physically.

Someone said to me that I really wasn’t such a badass after all – that this proved I was only “human”. I agreed with them – I am definitely human.

But I still believe I am also a badass and that the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Being a badass doesn’t mean you are tough as nails and can’t be affected by anything and never feel deep emotion.

Being a badass means life knocks you down and you keep getting back up.

Being a badass means you push through the pain.

Being a badass means you know that life is both good AND bad and that neither condition lasts forever.

So enjoy the good and gut the bad stuff out, dear Bloggie, even when it’s gutting you.

I’ll be visiting you again soon. I promise.

Rock on,

The WB

My Life’s Third Act

On July 20, 2018July 20, 2018 By Widow BadassIn Artistic Endeavours, Badassery, Hmmm?43 Comments

A week from now I’ll be celebrating my 59th birthday. I plan on spending the actual day of at a luxurious spa with some fellow bloggers – 2 kindred spirits I have come to know and befriend. I can’t think of a better way to kick off another year.

A week from now I will be only 1 year away from officially starting my “third act”.

59 – that is also the official start of my 60th year of life. If I die after next week, the obit will read “…in her 60th year…”.

I’m doing a lot of reflecting lately – even more so than usual – and this is a short list of events that helped shape me during this last, past decade.

In my 50s, I (not always in chronological order):

Became engaged (on my 49th birthday, so technically right at the start of my 50th year of life)
Started blogging again, for realz this time (on September 3rd, 2009. The Blogger blog was called The Next Year of My Life. I wanted to capture all of my thoughts and plans leading up to my 2nd marriage)
Got married again, at age 51, on September 3rd, 2010
Became a widow, 3 years later, on November 14, 2013
Found out in January 2014 that my late husband had cheated on me with another woman (for 18 months!) while we were living together
Ran 4 more half-marathons (1st one was when I was 48)
Went to the Netherlands 3 times
Went to Barbados 3 times
Had 2 mini-strokes and was diagnosed with high blood pressure
Had laser eye surgery
Straightened my teeth with Invisalign
Lost my mother, my father-in-law, and my dog (all in the same year)
Sold my house and moved into my late husband’s building
Spent a year cleaning up the mess left behind by my late husband’s hoarding
Completely repaired/renovated the building’s exterior doors, lights, roofs, plumbing, electrical, heating and cooling
Completely renovated my new living space – new kitchen and bathrooms, floors, electrical, laundry, etc.
Became a commercial landlord, to a museum!
Completed a Master of Business Administration degree
Was diagnosed with underactive thyroid (as if all of the above wasn’t enough to explain my tiredness 😉 )
Became the Widow Badass

Wow. That sounds like a lot as I read it. But is it really? I wonder if we look back on any given decade, if we don’t find that an awful lot of life has happened to us, while we were busy making other plans (thanks, John Lennon).

What all will happen during my next decade? Will I get a next decade? What will be a result of my intentions, and what will be my reactions to things that happen to me that are out of my control? Hmmmm.

Finished piece celebrating precious life — Precious Life. Finished! Each dot represents a month of life. The total number of dots represent the months of a 90 year life span. The dots highlighted with pearlescent paint are the ones I have experienced so far in my journey. The deepest, richest dots are yet to come, my painting predicts. Buddha of the Polebeans graciously offers to hold up my piece.

As per my painting, I am getting close to entering the final third of my life. So naturally I’ve been thinking a lot about life’s third act – MY life’s third act and how I want it to look. I intend the spend the next year working on some ideas for the final third, if I’m lucky enough to be here for it.

Jane has given me a lot to think about. I hope you take the time to watch the video below, and that you enjoy it.

What are some of your plans for your third act?

Do tell and rock on,

The WB

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X is for eXploring #AtoZChallenge

On April 27, 2018 By Widow BadassIn A2Z Challenge Post, Badassery, The Great Outdoors13 Comments

It feels like I haven’t had a spontaneous adventure in a long, long time. The last one that sticks out in my memory is recalled here – way back when Ye Olde Blogge was known as The Next Year of My Life – on September 14, 2009. (Thank you dear Bloggie, for being my memory-in-chief!)

I veered from my plan to run home from work that day, to take an unknown (to me) trail I came across instead. I had an absolute blast and felt my most badass, wildest self that day. Until my husband-to-be came home and ragged on me for what seemed like hours when I told him, rapturously, of what I did and felt.

He thought I was being reckless and foolhardy. By exploring following the river home instead of taking the road?!? The river that runs through the village where I live?!? In broad daylight?!?

Well, I didn’t agree with him then, and I still don’t now. But, because I loved him and didn’t want to upset him, I stopped doing stuff like that. Then we got married, and continued to live in his Crazytown (which I became the de facto Mayor of); then he got sick and died and I became the CEO of Everything; then I spent the next 4 years cleaning up his mess and restoring the building he let slide into disrepair and creating a new life/home for myself. No time or energy for much of anything outside of that, really.

And now here we are and I am looking forward to bringing back more exploration and adventure to my life. Starting this summer.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but what I experienced on my little river trail exploration was a microadventure.

Author and speaker Alistair Humphreys has coined the phrase, and also written a good book about it. You can learn more about microadventures here.

Have you ever taken a microadventure? Does the idea hold any appeal?

Rock on,

The WB

Can you guess my theme for this year’s A-Z Challenge? All of my A-Z posts this month will be tied into my theme, which is represented by the title of a song that was popular when I was a child. Can you figure it out as the days (and posts) go by? Leave your guesses (one per day only, please) in the comments. At the end of the challenge, I will reveal the theme. Have fun!

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2017 in Review and 2018: My Intentions

On December 31, 2017December 31, 2017 By Widow BadassIn Artistic Endeavours, Badassery, Goals & Dreams, Good Times, Health Transformation, Mindfulness, Read Books, Tarot15 Comments

2017 Review

2017 was a calm and pleasant year in my personal life (as opposed to an exciting yet challenging year in my work life), for which I am so grateful. I wish every year could be 2017. I didn’t lose anyone this past year. (Not in 2016 either, although my mother’s death in late December 2015 was so close to that year that I felt its reverberations throughout those 12 months anyways.)

2017 was the year of REACH (my word). This applied mainly to my creating art. This was the first year that I applied a great deal of focus and effort in this area since I was a teenager. And reach I did! It was difficult to push past my insecurities and inner critic, and just start laying paint down on canvas. It was a reach to allow myself to fail over and over again. This painting in particular (which I can reveal now, as it has gone to its recipient) was very uncomfortable for me to create, and thus a definite REACH:

I went to Mark Grice’s studio in Alton Mills to create this painting. I chose it because I knew it was going to be difficult for me to paint a horse AND in non-horse colours. I’m not good (yet) at so many things artists need to know and excel at, but with Mark’s guidance this painting came together. And Mizzus J loves it. She said it looks like Gavin, one of her two horses. What more can I ask for?

I finished out 2017 with this painting, completed yesterday:

Painting of Sunset on Lake Okanagan — Kelowna Sunset, based on a photograph I took on my last night there.

2018 Intentions

My intention for 2018’s art is to continue on my artist’s journey. I met an artist whose work I admired, at her studio in Bayfield 2 summers ago. When I asked her how to become a better painter, she said something that has stuck with me every since: “Just paint. Everyday.” Simple, no?

I have signed up for another online Mandala art course, hosted by Julie Gibbons: Mandala Days. Unlike Mandala Magic (the course I participated in, in 2017), this course is for creating actual pieces, not art journalling. Which is just up my alley, as I discovered this past year.

Other intentions involve:

Blogging – posting at least once per week on Ye Olde Blogge; find other like-minded bloggers/readers (my tribe, as it were) to connect with
Reading – increase reading for pleasure – my goal is 50 books. (I’m WidowBadass on GoodReads, in case you want to connect there)
Mindfulness – increase mindfulness in my life through activities such as meditation
Financial Security – becoming intentional about rapidly paying down the debt I am carrying on Chez Badass – debt I incurred by investing in much-needed improvements over the past 4 years
Intuitive Processes – become proficient at Tarot, because:

I believe that it is a good tool to help one develop and strengthen intuition and lead to insights – and help get in touch with yearnings/feelings that are buried deep within one’s self. So I performed a Celtic Cross spread at the Winter Solstice this year, to help me in planning for 2018:

Winter Solstice Tarot Reading 2017 — Celtic Cross Spread, for guidance for the coming year

I was really surprised when the cards told me that:

I have to focus on my health or ignore at my peril (5 of Pentacles) Having failed at this many times in the past 4 years, I didn’t want to write it down or even think about it as an intention for the coming year!
I have the inner resources to do this. (Ace of Swords)
I can come up with solutions, and to believe in myself and focus on success. (Page of Wands)
My past is full of grief and regret and the belief I made wrong choices. No, duh. (5 of Cups)
Renewing health; creating harmony and balance is the goal. (Temperance)
Unresolved factor affecting my success – my inner “carb monster” (bondage); doubts that I can succeed. (Devil)
I need to delve into why I haven’t been able to get any traction towards improving my health. (6 of Pentacles)
Be the person others see you as: Adept, Reliable, Steady, Supporting. (King of Pentacles)
Guidance, Hopes and Fears, Beliefs, Values – I am afraid of attracting attention from men as I lose weight and become fitter. I don’t want to have to deal with this. There. I said it. Valid or not, it is a fear of mine. (The Lovers)
The outcome (when I am successful in achieving this goal) – Vibrancy, Energy, Cheerfulness, Self-assurance. (Queen of Wands)

So, an added intention for me for 2018 is to improve my health through self-caring activities including strength, flexibility and stamina-building activities, and nutritious food choices.

My word for 2018 is PERCEIVE. To understand, to become aware, to become conscious, to use intuitive judgement.

How about you? Care to share your thoughts?

Rock on,

The WB

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Just Wait and Yule See

On December 21, 2017 By Widow BadassIn Artistic Endeavours, Badassery, Blogging, Goals & Dreams, Mindfulness, The Great Outdoors12 Comments

I think I may have mentioned on Ye Olde Blogge a time or hundred that every year I struggle with our North American commercialization/celebration of Christmas. It has become much too materialistic and in-your-face for yours truly.

This season has become instead a time of reflection and review and planning for me as the nights get longer and longer. And I love this time of year for that!

TRIGGER WARNING: If someone holding a different opinion than your own could lead to you turning into a Judgey McJudgepants and leaving a nasty comment, please skip over this next section. If you feel you must take a tone with me, your comment may or may not be deleted, depending on how much of a chuckle I get out of it.

Oh sure, I partake in some Christian Christmas rites. It’s part of my upbringing and my history. I put up a tree. I send out cards to friends and family. I re-watch old Christmas movies and sing along to carols. I even do the gift thing, although more and more I am giving gifts that are homemade – gifts of my time and intention. I love to wish people a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year AND I mean it. I do these things because I enjoy them and I like celebrating this season (this month, especially) of long nights and waiting for the sun to return.

I am not a Christian, so there is no religious meaning to my celebration. You won’t find a manger scene at my house. But I will haul out the Seashell Jesus, because I find it amusing. I think I’ll put it next to the picture of Krampus my talented son made for me. For balance. Someday maybe I’ll add a representation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to the mix, and my triptych of mythical beings will be complete. Ramen!

If you are reading this and a practicing Christian/Jew/Wiccan/Pagan/Hindu/Zoroastrian/Muslim/WhateverReligion, great! You do you. Whatever gives you comfort and meaning is cool with me. Please return the favour.

TRIGGER WARNING OVER.

What I am celebrating at Chez Badass is this: the end of the darkness and the return of the light. Because the longest night – tonight – the winter solstice (the official start of Yule or Yuletide) – is something I can get behind.

I do so love this rock we live on – the natural world – and the turning of the year, and I like to acknowledge this event. And this is the time and the season for me to pause and reflect and set intentions for the next spin around the sun that I am lucky enough to be a part of.

This is nothing new. Humans have been celebrating the solstice since well, we first noticed it was “a thing”. And these Yule celebrations have been co-opted into Christianity and have become integral to the Western celebration called Christmas.

For my particular celebration of the longest night, I will lighting (many, many) candles and finalizing my goals and intentions for the coming year. These include, in no particular order of importance (because they are all important to me):

more artistic activity
more mindfulness
more writing – specifically, more blogging
more reading
less spending – in order to knock down the demand loan on Chez Badass

I’ll be going into each of these goals in detail in upcoming blog posts. Yule see, hehehe!

I will leave you with this thought – at this special time of year why not remember to:

Keepin’ it real. Keepin’ it Yul, y(ule)-all!

Merry Christmas and Rock on,

The WB

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How the Widow Badass Came to Be

On November 4, 2017June 6, 2022 By Widow BadassIn Badassery, Hmmm?, NaBloPoMo17 Comments

When Joanne and I were hiking last weekend, she asked me how I came up with the name for my blog. I then realized that I have never fully explained it, although I briefly touch on this on my About the Widow page.

The Widow Badass was born when my husband died – in the first few minutes of November 14, 2013. She had been conceived in the doctor’s office where we received his diagnosis of lung cancer, a mere 6 months earlier.

My grieving started at that moment of conception, and also my oh-so practical (this sounds so cold, but it’s true) planning for my future without him.

I was working full-time, AND pursuing my MBA online (as was he), at the time of his diagnosis. Due to his insistence, I kept working and studying. He was too weak to work, but he kept studying also. We weren’t supposed to let the cancer “win” by giving these things up.

I fully supported him throughout the course of his disease. I researched cancer relentlessly; went to every appointment and treatment; sat vigil in every hospital room; shopped and cooked and worked and studied and cared and cried and prayed; and then got up after a few hours rest and did it all again.

During my quiet moments in hospital rooms I thought about and planned my future without him. I knew I would have a huge mess to clean up once he was gone. His OCD-fuelled hoarding had managed to fill up the large building that he owned for the past 20 years, and had spilled into the residence that I owned.

Listening to the hum of the ICU equipment, I estimated it would take me a solid year of working at it every night and weekend just to empty his building of the accumulation of garbage that was his hoard (the last room was emptied just a few week’s shy of a year later).

Drinking my lukewarm Tim Horton’s tea while my husband slept, I decided I would move into his building and erase the 20 years of his neglect at great cost to make it my own (I did).

Watching the nurses take his vitals, I knew it would take a few months to clean up my property enough to make it presentable to sell but I would do that first, then move and start cleaning up all over again (done, and done).

Pacing the hallways, I vowed that at some point during all this I would complete my damn MBA (damn straight, I did).

And so it all happened. The Widow Badass made it all happen. She was/is that aspect of myself that took over and got shit done. And she had no time or patience for anybody’s bullshit. She was all: blinders on, full speed ahead and let’s deal with the wreckage later when the dust settles.

What I didn’t plan for was finding out about my husband’s unfaithfulness to me during the clean-up process, a couple of months after he died. Finding print-outs of emails between him and another woman shook my entire world-view of what I thought my life with him had been about.

But that didn’t stop the Widow Badass. Oh no. She mined the knowledge of that 18 month-long affair like it was diamonds buried in a refuse heap. She used that hurt and rage to further fuel the mission to create a new life.

So now the Widow Badass is here and here to stay. Long may she reign.

Rock on,

The WB

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When am I going to grow up?

On July 17, 2017September 3, 2017 By Widow BadassIn Badassery, Good Times, Hmmm?8 Comments

A former spouse of mine once infamously asked me that question.

Back in the late 90s, I had told him that we should take the kids to a music festival together (Edgefest, in Barrie) for the day. The lineup was awesome, and I thought it would be a great opportunity to show the kids what an outdoor rock concert was all about and how to do it safely and enjoyably. They were excited, as there were many groups/artists they liked; I was excited as there were many groups/artists I also liked. But he pooh-poohed all over the idea. He didn’t want to go. And he didn’t want us to go either. I said that’s too bad – we’d love it if you came too, but we were going, regardless. He then asked me when I was going to GROW UP and stop wanting to do “THIS SHIT”. Well, hello? I thought he had enjoyed going to concerts with me.

He ended up going, grudgingly – only because there was no way he wanted me to be having any kind of fun without him. (If only he knew how much fun the kids and I had when he left us alone to go up north to see his family for a few days!)

By the end of the summer, I had found a townhouse and was moving out, thus ending our 17 year marriage. Not because of this one stupid comment, obviously…but it speaks volumes about why we were no longer suited to be together.

I have been in love with music since I was a babe in arms. My mom told me when she took me to church as an infant tears would stream down my face whenever I heard the organ play. I asked her why and she said, it seemed to her that I was feeling the music on a visceral level, and it had moved me to weep.

Which is pretty cool – and you’d think a kid like that would be a natural musician – but no. I must have been standing behind the door when the Mystery was handing out musical talent ‘cos I got none.

But what I do have is a major love of music and attending live shows. However, as I am getting older it is getting harder to find people (in my demographic) to attend these shows with me. Especially as I continue to listen to and enjoy new and emerging artists, as well as those I grew up with.

My usual concert buddy – my daughter, Mizz J – is in British Columbia this summer – so what’s a badass widow to do, when there are so many great concerts happening all around me?

As much as it is not my preference, I am going to a 3 day outdoor music festival on my own:

Elora Riverfest 2017 Lineup. So excited!

I just have to go, even though I will be going solo. I learned my lesson from missing WayHome last year. There were at least 16 acts I wanted to see but I couldn’t find anyone to go with me. So I missed them all. Never again.

So this got me to thinking: how many major bands/artists have I seen over the years, since I was a teenager? I tried to write them all down.