…Lung cancer – the AIDS of cancers

When JD was diagnosed with lung cancer, we were gobsmacked. How could this happen? He never smoked, didn’t work in a smoky environment, wasn’t exposed (to our knowledge anyways) to any of the other environmental toxins linked to cancer.

It. Just. Happened.

I wish I had a nickel for every time someone asked me if he smoked. The conversation usually went like this:

Me: We just found out JD has lung cancer, stage 4.

Person: Oh, that’s terrible! (Then, almost immediately) Is he a smoker?

Me: No, not ever.*

Person: That is so unfair.

(So clearly it is then fair if you are a smoker???)

It was so noticeable – the type and order of the questions – that I wanted to say “Yes, like a chimney” to the inevitable smoking question, to see how the person responded after that apparently vital piece of information was revealed. But I never did, because it seemed mean and tricksy to do that to people. Also, I needed all my energy for supporting JD – not arguing with educating people.

Here’s the sad thing. I am 100% sure I either did or would have responded in the exact same way prior to our experience with this disease. Yes, I was one of those JUDGMENTAL KNOBS prior to May of 2013, unaware of the stigma facing lung cancer sufferers who admit to smoking. As if the damn disease wasn’t enough to have to deal with.

But since then, I’ve had loads of time to research and to ruminate on all things lung cancer and I am here to tell you that EVERYONE who gets the Big C, in any part of the body, deserves our full compassion and support. No qualifiers, please.

Lung cancer research is one of the most underfunded, and yet this cancer with rising rates is one of the deadliest. The reasons?

First – by the time you are diagnosed, for most people it’s already too late.

Second – the general public thinks it is an entirely avoidable disease so why are they being asked to donate to a cancer that people bring on themselves? Let’s donate instead to one of those other deadly cancers like breast or prostate or melanoma and let the lung cancer victims die like flies suffer from their poor choices.  Hmmm…what’s going to happen to melanoma research now in the years ahead that when all the tanning bed enthusiasts are start dying, I wonder?

I don’t want to get into a long rant about how powerful and blinding the twin forces of addiction and denial are. If you are any kind of a human being, you probably already know this. But I think, as an ex-smoker, that I can speak for all smokers when I say that no one gets into – and keeps – smoking FOR THE CANCER.

So please, in this month of cancer awareness and all year round, if you learn that someone has been diagnosed with lung cancer:

Don’t ask if they smoked. It doesn’t matter anymore, really! (Except to health care professionals who are determining the best treatment options and do need to know this.) Never-smokers and long-time ex-smokers get lung cancer too, so who’s to say the smoking definitively caused this particular occurrence of disease? Meditate on this if you need to silence your inner Judgy McJudgetrousers.

Put all your “I told you so” and “Well, what did you think was gonna happen when you kept sucking on those coffin nails?” thoughts in a box to the left, to the left…and keep yer yap zipped and yer gaze set to “Compassion with a Capital C”.

The cancer is here now and nothing you can say or think will change this or help, unless you:

Do offer the person and their family all the love and support that’s in you to give.

They’re gonna need it.

This has been a public service announcement by WB Industries – striving to make the world a less judge-y place, one post at a time.

The WB

*I added the “not ever” to my response because I quickly learned the next question would inevitably be: Did he used to smoke?

…the Journey

This is something my relationship with JD taught me. To be able to stop and just be – in the moment – and appreciate the journey we were on. Instead of being so focused on achieving the end goal that you don’t even remember how you got there. Guilty as charged, at times!

JD loved road trips. I think it was the only time he felt really safe and peaceful – in total control behind the wheel of the car, protected by steel and glass. Beyond the reach (at least momentarily) of the demands of his life  – especially those created by his OCD. We had so many wonderful conversations on our journeys. So many laughs, songs sung, remembrances, musings and revelations.

Because his OCD made his life (and mine) so out of balance – chaotic and overwhelming – JD felt he never had time to stop and truly enjoy life. So when he did agree to take a break (even just for 24 hours), we packed as much fun and spontaneity into those mini-vacations as any humans possibly could.

I learned to leave all my other cares aside and just fully immerse myself in this altogether too brief semi-respite from the demands of living daily with someone with such a severe anxiety disorder. I learned when you can do this that a 24 hour vacation is just as refreshing (maybe even more so) as a long weekend or even a full week away from routine life.

How many of us have gone on vacation and packed our worries along with the sunscreen and the books we’ve been meaning to get to?

I’m not saying it’s easy to leave our worries behind and just enjoy the moment. But I am saying the benefits of learning to let go and fully savour each moment of the journey as it occurs are immense.

The WB

…Goalsetting

It’s no secret to those who know me that I work towards goals. Hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, yearly, 5 year goals, overarching life goals…I love to plan where I’m going and how I’m going to get there.

I even use goal setting to give my life balance. If it wasn’t for signing up for (at least) a yearly half-marathon race I would probably almost never get outside to run or walk on the trails near my home – an activity that never fails to bring me peace and joy. But to drop everything else and do it for the sheer selfish pleasure of it? Fuggedabout it. Too many other “duties” on my schedule competing for my time.

So let me commit to a goal – to be in good enough shape to be able to go the distance without injury and cross the finish line upright and smiling on a specific date – and I can now make it a priority to get outside and enjoy myself, no matter the weather. Because my half-marathon training plan is necessary for me to achieve my goal.

A nice side effect of all this planning and goal setting is that when I have a sudden change in plans (hey, life happens) or need to just veg-out instead, it’s usually no problem. It seems counterintuitive, but for me goal-setting allows for  more flexibility and adaptability in my life, not less. If something comes up, I can quickly rejig the schedule or make the decision to forgo the planned activity altogether. Without guilt. Because I know where I am going and feel in control of my life. Prioritizing becomes much easier when I am working towards goals.

A few short-term goals I am currently working towards:

Niagara Falls Womens Half Marathon (June 7) – Training started in early February so I’m training to walk this one. (Not a fan of winter running!). Three walks per week of increasing distance.

Increase flexibility – 20 minutes of yoga at least 2X per week. Nice counterbalance to all the fast-walking I have committed to. Currently I am but a shadow of my formerly bend-y self. The goal is to be able to complete one of my yoga DVD workouts with the same form and “range” as the instructor. Like I used to be able to.

Manly-Man Pushup Plan – Started last week. Six weeks of thrice-weekly very short workouts until I can perform a set of 10 from-the-toes pushups in perfect form.

Blogging A-Z Challenge (of course!) – just what I need to get me back to blogging. Another activity I love to do, but so rarely give myself time to do it. Sigh.

What goals are you currently working towards?

Tell all! I’m always for looking to be inspired to add new goals to my life.

The WB

…Freedom

Earlier this week I read an interesting post on Beyond Midlife Bloggers entitled “Wanted: The Single Person’s Life”.

In this post, Jane Gassner describes the single person’s life:

“A Single Person’s Life is one of contentment, pleasure even, in the solitary nature of day-to-day events. That is, no one else is about to crap on your fantasies or complain about the way you made the bed. If you snore, you only wake yourself. If you get up at 3 a.m. and must have a bowl of cereal, no one is there to say, “What the hell are you doing?” You don’t have to wait for the bathroom to be free and the only smelly old sneakers in the closet are yours. “

I have to say she is 100% correct. This new life of mine is a life of contentment and pleasure in being solo, for the first time in many many years. The last time I was flying solo, I was responsible for 2 teenagers and money was tight. Now I am, for the first time as an adult, living completely on my own.

It. Feels. Fine.

It. Feels. Right.

People ask me if I will start dating again. Will I marry again. I tell them it is extremely doubtful. Truth be told, the word “never” has been used – repeatedly. I don’t refer to JD as “my last husband” for nothing. I feel guilty for feeling this good about widowhood.

JD suffered from OCD and this made a good deal of our life together frazzled and stressful.   It took me many years to figure out what was wrong. It got worse as time went on. I was in over my head and there was no one I could turn to. I couldn’t speak of it as he didn’t want anyone to know.

So instead family and friends thought he was eccentric, difficult, uncaring. Internally, I refer to that period as the time I was the Unwilling Mayor of Crazytown.

The feeling of freedom with my new single life (and the freedom coming from no longer having to live life according to the tyranny of JD’s OCD) is incredible. I feel confused and guilty because I know now if by some miracle he was restored to me I could never go back to that Crazytown life – even though I still love and miss him terribly.

Why does it seem like he had to die before I could really start to live? This question I can never answer, even as I ask it of myself.

Every. Damn. Day.

The WB

…Classic rock, Concerts and (blog under re-) Construction.

It’s the Classic Rock Weekend on my local radio station. AC/DC is playing right now. I was rockin’ to You Shook Me All Night Long when it didn’t need the Classic descriptor in front of it. And I am still rockin’, at every opportunity.

My first husband once pointedly asked me when I was going to grow up and stop wanting to do this shit (meaning going to live music shows and rock festivals).

My last husband enjoyed concert-going but only certain artists. As a result I have seen Bob Dylan 4 times and Gordon Lightfoot 3 times.* Fine artists both, that I have grown to really appreciate, but sheesh…let’s add some variety to the mix, shall we? I feel like I need to make up for lost time.

Which is a bit of a problem as concerts are announced and I wonder how many more of these events I can cajole my kids into accompanying me to, before they stop answering my texts. 🙂

So I have started looking around at others to join me in these adventures. And I realize that I have very few who I truly call friends (true…quality over quantity is my motto), and they don’t always have the time, money or admiration for the band/artist to want to attend with me. I don’t mind having to go alone to concerts (although I think my daughter minds me doing this, very much – talk about a role reversal, hah!). Of course it is much more fun sharing these experiences with friends and/or family.

What I love about this A-Z challenge is that it has rekindled my love of blogging and ye olde blogge. It feels like coming (virtually) home, except this home needs a bit of TLC and some renovation. I spent several hours last night locating and reinserting many photos that had gone AWOL from my older posts. This work continues! Pardon my mess while the blog is under (re)construction.

The WB

*Ironically, JD felt an urgency to see these artists whenever they were in the area because “they could die soon”. Well, both Bob and Gord are still touring while JD is no more. Huh.