E is for…

On April 6, 2016 By Widow BadassIn Hmmm?4 Comments

…relearning about the Enjoyment of Life.

My graduate studies in Business Administration ended on February 28, but my learning journey most certainly has not!

Suddenly, on February 29th I was faced with seemingly endless hours of free time (after work, of course) compared to only the day before when I was cranking out my final 2,000 word paper. And the years before, when my free time could be counted in mere minutes per day due to the effect of JD’s OCD on our life together.

I am still in awe of – and in the process of figuring out what to do with – all of this free time. But for now, I am learning to accept that it is OK to spend as much of that free time as I choose just doing things that I enjoy. Period. Without guilt. Like a “normal” person.

The little voice in my head that says I should be doing something productive instead of “just” reading or catching up on Netflix or going for a walk in the sunshine is getting quieter and quieter. But it is still there.

So far I think my recovery is going pretty well, all things considered. I hope the voice shuts up for good soon. ‘Cos I got a whole lot of catching up to do in the Enjoyment of Life department and I’m done with feeling guilty about it.

Rock on,

The WB

D is for…

On April 5, 2016 By Widow BadassIn Hmmm?6 Comments

…Deciphering things.

I have spent a good deal of time and mental energy in the past 3 years trying to find the answers to a lot of things such as:

why did my husband have to get cancer?
why did he have to die?
why am I still here?
what do I do now?
what does IT all mean?
and,
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE????? 🙂

Going through JD’s things after his passing while cleaning up both properties created even more situations and information that needed processing and understanding. My husband was very secretive and I was not allowed access to his things while he was alive. I had to go through everything he hoarded piece by piece after his death as the “good” (family mementos, money, valuable papers, useable stuff) was lumped in with the “bad” (garbage, broken stuff, useless papers, more garbage) with no organization.

It was like an archeological dig, people. With just as many hypotheses, theories, assumptions and questions begging to be tested, confirmed, answered. Including that the person(s) with the answers were never going to be around to fill in the blanks for me.

These blanks were driving me crazy. So crazy that lately I felt I needed professional help to deal with the unanswered questions repeating like a broken record in my mind.

It only took one session with a counselor, really, to help me get off of the mental merry-go-round I was on.

I have stopped trying to decipher my husband’s OCD-addled thinking. I have stopped feeling the need to get the answers I will never receive.

I’ve learned to be OK with that. I’ve learned to stop investing energy where I can get no return. It is what it is and it was what it was. I can’t change it but I can change my thinking about it.

I am still here. That is what matters now.

Rock on,

The WB

C is for…

On April 4, 2016April 5, 2016 By Widow BadassIn Health Transformation, Hmmm?2 Comments

…Condense!

Way before I concluded my MBA studies, I had a plan in the back of my wee mind to shift my focus back to improving my health and fitness once school was done. Then I had a TIA two weeks before school finished so this plan became even MORE important to me.

So now it’s been about a month since school ended and I have dramatically increased my daily exercise. I make it a point to hit at least 10,000 steps on my FitBit everyday. So far I have a perfect score in that regard. Yay me! And I am hiking every weekend now too.

I am also being more careful with my food intake. I rediscovered the account I had years ago at My Fitness Pal. My last login was the week of JD’s cancer diagnosis. Hmmm. Isn’t hard to figure out why I stopped logging at that point. Put on 22 pounds since then. Hmmmm. Again, not too hard to figure out why as my whole world has been turned upside down a few times since then.

Yet with my increased exercise and decreased food intake, I am a bit disappointed to have lost only 4 pounds in this past month. However, people are noticing a change in me – that I look smaller and my legs are becoming more toned. (This thanks to my habit of wearing leggings and boots often this winter!)

I retook my measurements last week and I have already lost 2 inches off of my waist. How can this be with such a relatively insignificant number showing up on the scale?

The only possible answer is that I am condensing. Yes – like a dying star I am becoming a black hole, human-version. 🙂

This week I will begin a weight training class for women. And next week begins a 5K learn-to-run class. Why, after 5 half-marathons under my belt, am I signing up for a beginner running class you may ask? That is a very good question! The answer is that I have never been coached by a physically present person as to how to run/train-to-run properly. For my first half, I benefited from virtual coaching via teleconferences but that has been it.

I think this will be fun and probably enlightening for me, and I have no problem entering this class with a beginner’s mind. I might even gain some speed!

Rock on,

The WB

B is for…

On April 2, 2016April 3, 2016 By Widow BadassIn See the Beauty, The Great Outdoors5 Comments

…Barbados!

About a year ago Mizz J and I were invited to one of her colleagues’ wedding, on the island of Barbados. Not a destination wedding per se, as both bride and groom are Bajan – born, but we were both stoked to be going there for this event. We booked our hotel and tickets last March, with additional travel plan cancellation insurance, because my mom was struggling with her health already at this point so we had no idea what the future might bring.

Well, Mom came to my place to die last October…and we still had no idea if this trip was ever going to happen. Mom made it clear that if her wishes were to be heard and considered she would either leave us before the trip or a few weeks after we got back. She did not want to mess with our travel plans!

On December 18 Mom got her wish and 2 weeks later to the day, Mizz J and I were in the air on New Year’s Day, flying south. We went with mixed feelings and a sense of duty – to Mom, who wanted so bad for us to still go no matter what, and to the bridal couple, who were expecting us. After spending January 2 attending the nuptials, we were free to relax and enjoy. So that is exactly what we did.

Here is where I could be found every day. — Here is where I could be found every day…

...reading books and looking at this (when not frolicking in it!) — …reading books and gazing at this (when not frolicking/swimming in it!)

Check out the beach hair! — Check out the beachy hair!

I did not feel at all like exploring the island – which was kinda unusual for me, but attributable to all that had gone before, I suppose. We did book a catamaran excursion online a few weeks back, to swim with sea turtles and go reef-snorkeling, so that was all I did other than walk down to Oistins for a nightly fish dinner, and relax under my favourite palm tree.

Pardon the crappy disposable underwater camera photo but this is one of the fellows we swam with. — Pardon the crappy disposable underwater camera photo. This is one of the beauties we all swam with.

I highly recommend one of these excursions, as does Mizz J! — And this is the beauty I personally swam with!

We were sorry to leave the island but are committed to making a return visit. I would love to make this an annual event. It’s a wonderful slice of heaven. The weather was perfect – hot and sunny, tempered by just the right amount of ocean breeze. The hotel we stayed at was just our style. Small, quiet, friendly, laid back. We would have no problem going back there.

Splurging on a Bajan ice cream on our last day. — Slurping up Bajan ice cream AND Bajan coffee on our last day. Thought we would change things up from rum punch and Banks Beer…hehehe!

Do you have a favourite tropical destination? Do tell.

Rock on,

The WB

A is for…

On April 1, 2016April 1, 2016 By Widow BadassIn Bruce Trail Adventure, Home Improvement, MBA7 Comments

…several things actually…Adventure, Attitude and being Alone.

Last year on April 1 I wrote about Adventure and this year the Adventure continues! Since last April I have gone through a few things including the palliative care and death of my mother…and a TIA. I have taken up recreational kayaking and I just purchased a second, two-seater kayak. I guess that means I now have a “fleet” of the durn things, hehehe. I visited Barbados for the first time (and hopefully not the last!). And I FINALLY completed my MBA studies. I recently started a new challenge – to hike the 885 Km Bruce Trail, section by section, in its entirety. Wonder what I will be writing about at this time next year?

Every year has 365 days, and those days pass whether we like it or not. Some people don’t like looking back but I find it very useful and gratifying…especially when I see that things I talked and dreamed about, like the Bruce Trail quest, are actually coming to pass.

Life is full of changes and surprises, not all welcomed. However the one thing – the only thing – we have complete control over is our attitude about life. And to be present for what life throws at us. Taking my mother into my home for the last 3 months of her life, to care for her and to give her the death at home she wanted, was not easy but I couldn’t imagine not doing it. It was an incredible experience to be present for. I was blessed to become reacquainted with my aunt and my 2 sisters as when they came to live with me and help out during this time. The special quiet times with my mother as her life wound down were also a gift and joy to all of us.

So now, everyone is back to their real lives, my mother is gone, and I am alone once again. At first my home seemed so much larger and emptier than it has ever been. Now I treasure my solitude once again. I understand that a lot of people can’t bear to be alone. That has never been my experience. I am often lonelier in a group than I have ever been by myself.

Feel free to comment with your thoughts about adventure, attitude or being alone. I look forward to reading them!

Rock on,

The WB

Bruce Trail Journey, thus far…

On March 20, 2016March 20, 2016 By Widow BadassIn Bruce Trail Adventure, The Great Outdoors4 Comments

The start of my Bruce Trail journey. March 5, 2016.

Three hikes under my belt now. I have come as far as Decew House, in Thorold from the start in Queenston Heights. Here are some snaps and data from the journey, to date:

Data from Garmin Forerunner 10 - 1st hike — Data from Garmin Forerunner 10 – 1st hike. This is going to become my trail log.

Exposed limestone — Exposed stone (limestone?)

Data from 3rd hike – forgot to turn Garmin on at start so first 15 minutes are missing. Damn.

My daughter, Mizz J, is on this journey with me. That is her right in front of me, in the last picture.

So three hikes in and here are some of my thoughts on the process (in no particular order):

the people you meet while hiking are wonderful – happy, friendly, caring and sharing types
trekking poles are a godsend. Where have they been all my (hiking) life?
nature really IS the best medicine – obviously for the body, but especially for the soul
it is an integral part of human nature to quest, journey and explore and we are built physiologically and psychologically to do this. This is why this hike challenge is so satisfying on so many levels for me.

Next week there is no “official” shorter end-to-end hike scheduled as it is Easter weekend. However, there is a 90 minute Bruce Trail meditation walk being organized for Easter Sunday morning that Mizz J and I plan to attend.

Rock on and walk on!

The WB

The Next Challenge…

On March 4, 2016 By Widow BadassIn Bruce Trail Adventure, The Great OutdoorsLeave a comment

Well, that didn’t take long. It hasn’t even been a week since I finished school and I am undertaking my next challenge – to hike the Bruce Trail end-to-end!

This is something I have been dreaming of doing for many years, and this dream roared to life again while I was stuck indoors, working away on various assignments over the past couple of years since Jeff died. It was never a dream of my husband’s – his OCD made any kind of fun outdoor activities challenging to schedule and challenging to perform, to say the least – so onto the back burner it went, along with so many other things I wanted to do.

But all that is behind me now, and I am realizing MY dreams, for a change. I really didn’t plan to start this quest quite so soon. I was hoping to be build up my stamina and leg muscles a bit more with walks around the Village trails first. But the universe has other ideas, as usual!

My membership package from the Bruce Trail Club came in the mail a few weeks ago.

And in it was a newsletter from my chapter, the Iroquoian.

And in that newsletter was pages and pages listing planned hikes for the spring.

I was idly rereading it 2 mornings ago when it finally registered – this group is hosting a series of guided short (9-10 km) hikes for the first 8 sections of the trail, starting this Saturday at the trail head. Oh my. Shit became real all of a sudden, as they say these days.

I cannot NOT do this. The universe has spoken.

So, weakling status be damned – on Saturday morning you will find me at Queenston Heights with (hiking) boots on! Let the adventure begin…

Rock on,

The WB

I had a TIA

On February 29, 2016February 29, 2016 By Widow BadassIn Hmmm?, Home Improvement, MBA7 Comments

Happy Leap Year Day everyone! Yesterday I electronically submitted my very last assignment of my very last course for my MBA studies. I. AM. DONE.

My next post on ye olde blogge was supposed to have been a light piece about my recent trip to Barbados. Now instead, there is this:

On the morning of February 12th I got up early (5:50 am) and thought “Great, I’ll have time to do some homework before work!” So I got myself a drink (lemon juice and water, in case you are interested) and sat down in front of my laptop to log on to the school’s discussion site. I started scrolling through my classmates’ posts when I noticed my right hand was not responding to my brain’s requests for action. Then I noticed my right leg was not operational either. I remained seated as I didn’t want to fall while testing out if I could still walk. I picked up my right hand with my left and let it drop to my side, wondering if maybe I had pinched a nerve? Nothing. I picked it up again with my left hand and put it back on the desktop. Within a couple of minutes of all of this starting, I regained use of both my right arm and leg. I immediately walked to the bathroom to check out my face in the mirror. No right-side droopiness…just the normal symmetrical droopiness I see every morning. 🙂

I really wanted to ignore this whole episode and get back to my busy day but that would be the “denial” thing to do…and I had made a vow to relinquish my Cleopatra’s crown quite a while ago. So I called Telehealth Ontario, the free helpline staffed by nurses. The nurse I spoke to told me I needed to go to the Emergency department immediately, and that I could not drive myself. Great. I called my son, got dressed and off we went.

Blood work, ECG, Doppler and CT scan later…nothing was found other than elevated blood pressure and a couple of areas of poor blood flow in the brain (but no damage). The CT scan diagnosis was later refuted by a doc at the Secondary Stroke Prevention Clinic who pronounced my brain completely normal and healthy, but let’s err on the side of caution and say the first doc called it correctly.

Nothing has happened to me since that couple of moments on that Friday morning. And everything has happened. I am now on medication to lower my blood pressure and cholesterol, and thin my blood. I don’t think I need to be on the latter two of these drugs. I think the docs are trained by the drug companies to be pill dispensers. But for now I am being a good girl and taking them all.

I bought a home blood pressure monitor so I can see if I am making a difference as I change my life (112/86 this a.m.).

I have to go to the cardiac clinic this morning to be fitted with a Holter monitor for wear for the next 28 days.

I have to spend a night in a sleep lab (yet to be scheduled).

I signed up for meditation classes and am going to talk to a counsellor specializing in grief and stress.

I plan to lose a significant amount of weight and increase my stamina and muscle mass.

YES. I see this as a LIFE. CHANGING. EXPERIENCE. (Cue dramatic music…Also sprach Zarathustra would be appropriate.)

My plan is to get off of all of these drugs ASAP by making the appropriate changes. Or, to accept graciously (huh?!) that I need to stay on them if that’s how things turn out.

My mantra for getting through tough times has always been “blinders on; full speed ahead; I’ll deal with the wreckage later”. Well, the time to deal with the wreckage is NOW, and the wreckage is apparently ME.

Looking back, over the past 4 years, I have:

Had to deal with my husband’s worsening OCD and then his illness and death due to lung cancer
Had to deal with his complicated estate
Experienced the loss of my mother due to non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and am currently dealing with her estate
Experienced the loss of my father-in-law due to old age
Experienced the loss of my dog due to old age
Spent a year cleaning up both house and rental property (20 years of husband’s hoarding = seven 14-yard dumpsters filled with trash, hundreds of bags of garbage put to the curb and I lost count of all the items recycled or donated or given away)
Sold my house and used proceeds to clear up husband’s debt
Moved into rental property and became a landlord
Undertook the following renovations at the building where I now live and act as landlord: plumbing repairs, electrical upgrade, solar project, new boiler system, new air conditioning systems, new roof, new kitchen, new bathroom…and there are still many more projects to undertake
Trained for and completed at least 2 half-marathons
Finally completed my MBA!!!

Yeah, I guess you could say it’s been a lot. You could say I have been experiencing undue stress. I guess you could say I am lucky to have gotten off with a warning in the form of a TIA.

I really do feel blessed on this Leap Year Day 2016.

Blessed to live in a country where access to medical treatment is free, and is the least stressful thing about being unwell.

Blessed to have had the support of family and friends while going through all of the above.

Blessed to yet have the opportunity to make changes to improve my health…

Rock on,

The WB

Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out, 2015!

On January 25, 2016January 25, 2016 By Widow BadassIn Hmmm?, MBA2 Comments

Ooooh Lordy. Where to begin?

Since my last post about the summer of 2015 so much has changed.

As I was starting what I thought was my last MBA course, my mom’s health and home situation began to deteriorate quickly. Mom had been dealing with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma for 15 years and she made the decision in August to stop treatment as it was no longer working – only traumatizing her body further. My 86 year-old step-dad wasn’t able to provide the care Mom needed as her health and abilities to look after herself (and him) became compromised so I did the only thing I knew how to make the best out of a terrible situation – I offered to look after Mom at my house till the disease ran its course.

Thankfully, everyone, including my step-dad, was in agreement that this was the course to be followed and Mom’s (now palliative) care was transferred, along with some furniture and belongings, from her condo to my house.

I realized that continuing on with the double credit intensive course (including a week away in residence) to complete my masters degree was impossible with what was going on at home. Arrangements were made to drop this course and take instead 2 single credit courses for completion of degree requirements. (So now I am still graduating in June, but remain in school until the end of February.)

After consultations with my two sisters about Mom coming to live with me it was decided that one of my sisters (working, with a company that would top up the leave payments) would take compassionate leave initially to stay with me and Mom so I could continue working, and the other (non-working, living across the country) would fly in when needed.

The next 3 months became one of the most wonderful, terrible times of my life. Wonderful in that my home became what I had envisioned it to be – the hub of family life. It was a warm, roomy space for others to gather to celebrate my mom and her life as it slowly drained out of her. Wonderful in that for the first time since August 1980 all of my siblings and I were under one roof again, this time really getting to know each other as adults. Wonderful in that I had many hours to spend in my mother’s company, and many opportunities to tell and show her how much she was loved and appreciated. Wonderful in that I was able to visit with and accommodate my aunt from the Netherlands, who came over to spend 3 weeks with her eldest sister. Wonderful in that we were able to give my mother so much peace and happiness in the final months, weeks, and days of her life.

Well, as to the terrible part – do I really need to explain how terrible it is to see your mother’s life dwindle inevitably down? Week by week, day by day and later hour by hour – from an active, vibrant woman to one who relies on a cane, then a wheelchair and walker, then finally to be completely immobilized. One whose world shrunk from her community to her home, then to my home, then to just a hospital bed in one room in that home.

Mom passed away in the wee hours of December 18th. She did not fear her death, as the life she was living was no longer any life at all. Death HAD to be a better alternative. Mom got her wishes – that she die at home, and that her death would not interfere with the plans of Mizz J and I to attend a wedding in Barbados on January 2nd (booked 9 months ago, with insurance…just in case)….that was so “Mom” – putting others’ agendas ahead of her own, even to the end!

And so ended this year, 2015, of loss for me and my family. Starting with my dog of almost 15 years, in January; then my father-in-law in February; my best friend’s mother in March; and finally my own mother in December.

So glad to see this year come to an end. 2016, if you are listening, I am asking for the shadow of death to avoid me and mine for a change, for a respite (however brief) from loss, and for a year of growth and celebration instead. Thanks in advance!

Rock on,

The WB

Hello, it’s me. Summer of 2015 Edition.

On September 7, 2015 By Widow BadassIn Home Improvement, MBA, See the Beauty, The Great Outdoors2 Comments

This post is brought to you by sheer determination to get something, anything, written on this here blog before summer is over. OK, I know that technically speaking, there are still a few weeks of summer left. But who among us is that technical? We all “know” that Labour Day Weekend and the start of school (kindergarten to high school) is REALLY the end of summer.

Anywhoodle…

Since the last post in early May, I have lived through a kitchen/bath/laundry/roof renovation

1898798_10153593411619924_101524585380306331_o — New kitchen.

and solar panel installation, helped empty out my late father-in-law’s house to prep it for sale, helped arrange a wedding in my building for my lovely sister and new sister-in-law,

P1010020 — Typical family gathering. Inevitable descent into silliness. At Carol and Cathy’s wedding.

and completed my second-to-last MBA course. Oh yeah, and I completed another half-marathon race,

RGnGTJgLp951Flk6hojEeKNwbTFB5rF6hu4QmXvRhnk — Niagara Fall’s Women’s Half Marathon. Just before starting out.

and took in a few rock concerts.

P1000876 — Rush at the Air Canada Centre.

P1010088 — Cheap Trick and Peter Frampton at the Molson Canadian Amphitheater.

P1000916 — Jane’s Addiction. BIG Music Fest, Kitchener.

This took me to the end of July-ish. I decided August was to be dedicated to more relaxing pursuits…such as spending time at various beaches and kayaking on the river a few steps from my building. This plan needed a kayak in order to actually happen: