Author: Widow Badass

A Widow for 3 Years

On By Widow BadassIn Hmmm?5 Comments

Dear Blog,

Today is the anniversary of JD’s death.

I hope he is at peace or reborn or whatever the hell happens when our physical bodies stop working.

Living with JD was not easy, thanks to the OCD which he ultimately refused to seek treatment for. I did my best to help him while we were together. Which came at a cost, of course. It affected my relationships with family and friends. It affected my health. I was in over my head but bound by secrecy and was forbidden to seek help or understanding for either of us.

I didn’t find out until after he died, when I was left with sorting through his hoard of papers and stuff, who I was really married to.

He was a consummate liar and a hypocrite in his dealings with me, in particular. Me – the only person, he told me over and over again, he felt free to really be himself with.

My (once happy) memories of our time together are now and forever tainted because of this. Were his feelings towards me all lies, like his words and actions were? I was so completely fooled by JD I don’t know what was real anymore. I have lost more trust in myself and my ability to perceive, than in him.

I have sought counseling, which was only a little bit helpful. How do you find closure when the other party, the one who might be able to answer your thousands of burning questions, is dead?

I did reach out to the woman he cheated on me with (the only one I know about – I am not so naive as to think there couldn’t be more). She too was duped into thinking he was otherwise unattached, faithful, and in love with her. She thought they were going to get married and start a family. A lovely woman, really.

I just wish she had told me what was really going on when she found out he was living with another woman (me) and immediately kicked his sorry cheating ass to the curb. But she chose to keep her silence and leave our relationship alone. In my opinion she did me a huge disservice by not reaching out to me.

But what is done is done. I was kept in ignorance and kept on living with and loving and supporting this man with my whole heart and being. This unworthy man.

I have been a widow for 3 years today. My life is the best it has ever been. I am very content and happy, for the most part. I am still working through the process of forgiving my husband, which is necessary for me…not for him.

For the first couple of years after I found out, I could still feel tenderness and love and sorrow for him, even as I was reeling with shock and disbelief, hurt and anger. But as time goes on, I can’t dredge up those emotions anymore. I feel like I am just…done.

Someday someone is going to ask me why I don’t have any pictures of JD or our wedding displayed around my place. I don’t know what I’ll say in that moment, dear Blog.

Rock on,

The WB

The Power of Writing It Down

On By Widow BadassIn Artistic Endeavours, Goals & DreamsLeave a comment

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Hey there Bloggie Dearest,

Well, yesterday was the last day of the 5 Days of Mandala Magic online course I signed up for, and with the last lesson came an invitation to sign up for a whole year of instruction from Julie Gibbons, starting proper in 2017.

The monthly cost of this course is so reasonable versus the value I have received already in just these 5 days, that I signed up immediately and with absolutely no hesitation.

(I have to say also that I really admire the way Julie runs her vocation/passion/business. I think it is genius to offer a free 5 day online course as a lead-in for a year’s worth of lessons. It gives the potential subscriber a good insight into Julie’s personality and teaching style, as well as the quality of the material to be delivered. At the end of the free course most 5 Days of Mandala Magic students would know, I imagine, whether or not this course was a good fit for them at this point in their lives. It certainly has made me comfortable with my decision. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear…indeed!)

Remember quite a few months back, Blog, when I told you I was all excited/inspired by an article about Route 66 turning 100 when I am turning 66, and how this led to the development of my 10 Year Plan spreadsheet and an actual rudimentary budget?

As per my way, I created the spreadsheet in a fervour of inspiration and then didn’t look at it again. But then today I got to thinking about it again as I had this niggling thought in the back of my brain that Art was featured somewhere on the spreadsheet. (Actually I thought I might have written it down for THIS year – 2016).

When I opened it up I saw that I had placed Art in the Learning category for 2017. Hmmm…another reason signing up for a year’s worth on instruction on mandala making and art journalling was a slam-dunk decision for me.

This, dear Blog, is why I love writing down my goals and dreams in some format – whether it be in a journal or spreadsheet. The act of committing the thoughts to paper (or pixels) has invariably resulted in manifestation of the same. And if it didn’t happen, it was almost always because I had changed and no longer wanted it. Or, it just hasn’t happened yet, but I can see it on the horizon. Weird! I know, Blog.

Now, I am not going so far as to say that these are declarations to which the universe has responded to me personally. I’ll leave that to the devotees of The Secret.

But what I think is this: the act of stating goals in a physical or digital sense loads them into my subconscious which in turn then guides me in seeing (seizing!) opportunities and making decisions later on down the road of life.

I may have forgotten what I have written down, but my subconscious doesn’t. And going back months or even years later to see what I had envisioned for myself, I am gobsmacked by how many of my (usually forgotten) stated objectives have actually been accomplished.

So clearly I am a fan.

Just imagine what could happen, dear Blog, if I wrote down some goals regarding you? 😉

Rock on,

The WB

 

Concentric Circles Mandala

On By Widow BadassIn Artistic EndeavoursLeave a comment
Concentric Circles Mandala - Natural Elements
Concentric Circles Mandala – Natural Elements

Dearest Blog,

I really reached far back with this one.

When I was a child I used to envision the cycling of the year (the calendar, if you will) as a thin circular band of ever-changing colours, going from brightest in high summer to darkest at the winter solstice. Although I didn’t call it that because frankly dear Blog, I was too damn young to know about that stuff. Yeah, I know Blog…I WAS a weird kid.

So here I am, 50-odd years later, finally taking that image out of my head and putting it on paper.

My idea with the concentric circle mandala was to make it primitive, and to illustrate the elements of the natural world within the border of the cycling year. Can you find them, Blog? Earth, Air, Fire and Water. I tried to represent them all so that they are recognizable.

I used cheap-o magic markers on watercolour paper – a set of pens designed for the current adult colouring book craze. When I tried to put the night sky and moon phases in the black band, it just ate up the white pigment ink pen. Just sucked it up like a sponge!

Someday I will refine this piece and perhaps do it in acrylic on a proper canvas.

I like to think of this as a first draft.

Rock on,

The WB

RIP, Mr. Leonard Cohen

On By Widow BadassIn MusicLeave a comment
Definitely has the most plays in my iTunes library.
Definitely has the most plays in my iTunes library, followed by his latest release: You Want It Darker.

Dear Blog,

Now we have a definite contender, in my mind anyway, for biggest blow to humanity this week.

I had the opportunity to see this artist in 2009, during the tour that produced the live album pictured in this blog post.

When people would ask me what artist/band I would go see again in concert, the immediate answer was always “Leonard Cohen, naturally!” I had hoped to be able to see him again but as time went on it became apparent that this had been my only chance, and one I am so very grateful for.

A lot of us, myself included, knew this was coming. Mr. Cohen said this summer that he thought he would be joining his muse – Marianne –  soon, in death.

Leonard Cohen used his poetic and musical talents to show us about life and all its joys and sorrows. It is no surprise to me that he also showed us about death and how to approach it with your whole being – head on and with full acceptance.

Like David Bowie – another artist who knew it was coming – he used what was left in him in his remaining days to get his last (and he knew it would be his last – again like Bowie) work out to us.

I see Gordon Downie of the Tragically Hip doing the same as he lives with the reality of a terminal brain cancer diagnosis.

Thank you, thank you, thank you gentlemen.

Rock on,

The WB

 

First Completed Mandala

On By Widow BadassIn Artistic Endeavours, Hmmm?2 Comments
Completed White Tara mandala
Completed White Tara mandala

Dearest Blog,

I am so excited to share with you my first completed piece – a lotus mandala featuring White Tara. White Tara is associated with compassion, long life, healing and serenity.

I have been fascinated for decades already with mandalas and goddesses and here I have combined both.

The US Election directed me in these choices, and I was helped magnificently by the gentle and inspiring coaching of Julie Gibbons and her 5 Days of Mandala Magic online course.

Tara seemed the natural choice as she hears all the cries of the world and offers her compassion unreservedly. Instead of her usual depiction seated on a lotus flower, I have given her a golden lotus crown and surrounded her with the flower as a mandala.

I dedicate this mandala to all who are hurting  – those that hurt so much they thought voting for this deeply flawed and dangerous man to lead their country was their only option, as well as the rest of us. Who are still reeling from the shock and frightened for the future.

Working on this piece helped calm my fears and turn my heart again to what is good in the world instead of focusing on the negative.

Rock on,

The WB

Mandala Magic

On By Widow BadassIn Artistic EndeavoursLeave a comment

Dear Blog,

A few weeks ago I signed up for a 5 day online course called Mandala Magic provided by an artist named Julie Gibbons.

It started on November 7 and the timing could not have been better, dear Blog.

Last night I started creating my first lotus mandala and decided to feature the Buddhist goddess of compassion in the centre, as Tara (aka Kwan Yin and a bunch of other names) is often depicted sitting upon a lotus. I don’t pretend to know a whole lot about Eastern religions and their pantheons of gods and goddesses, but ever since I first learned of Tara a number of years ago, I have been drawn (no pun intended) to the idea of her.

So last night as I fretted over the USA and the general direction the world seems to be taking, I made a choice to NOT listen, watch or surf election coverage and turn to my pencils instead.

Work in progress
Work in progress

I found it very calming and meditative to work on this last night, dear Blog.

I suppose you have already guessed, old chum, that the new few years should be good for my art practice. 😉

Rock on,

The WB

 

Worry is praying for what you don’t want to happen…and I can’t stop this prayer

On By Widow BadassIn Hmmm?Leave a comment

Dear Blog,

Today is Election Day in the US, you might remember. I know I can’t get it out of my mind, dear Blog.
I find myself consumed with worry…AND I’M NOT EVEN AMERICAN. I can only imagine how all most some of them feel.

Did the world and German people feel this way when Hitler was on the rise to taking power?

Never have I seen a campaign like this. Never have I seen such hatred, bigotry, racism, sexism and fear unleashed. It’s like the human race took as step back a hundred or so years in time. The apparent rapidity of this devolution of human consciousness and learning is breathtaking to me.

Maybe I’ve just been naive in thinking that we had moved on from this type of thinking. That it was all behind us now.

Looks like it wasn’t behind us at all. It was just simmering under the surface of civility and political correctness. All it took was a brash, loud-mouthed person with no moral character to show people it was OK to let fear dominate your decisions and to quash compassion for others. That it is OK again to put up barriers to exclude other humans and to focus on differences instead of seeing that we are really all the same….this human race. That ignorance of the facts is acceptable. That instead of thinking for yourself, just follow the one that brays the loudest, the one that says what you want to hear, no matter what nonsense and lies pour out of his mouth.

There are two emotions that drive us. Fear breeds hatred. Love breeds compassion. Why do people choose fear? Like love, if that is what you choose, there is no end to it. There is always something to fear.

Right now I fear for us all. I want to get back to feeling love for humanity again, instead of fearing what people will can do if the wrong person gets enough power to make good on his hateful words. I want to feel compassion for this man. To try to understand what made him into the person he is. I think he is sick in his soul and his mind. Why throughout history have we been tricked into following madmen? Why do we not learn? It is because we don’t learn that we must keep repeating the lesson.

These thoughts roll round and round my mind as I inwardly clutch myself with worry. My brain and heart have been curled in the fetal position for days now.

Thanks for listening, dear Blog.

Hopefully tomorrow we can all rock on to a better future than the one I can’t stop worrying about,

The WB

Worst Thanksgiving Food Fail(s)

On By Widow BadassIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Dearest Blog,

I learned quite a few years back that there are certain times when menu experimentation is welcomed but traditional holiday meals are not one of them…at least not with my family.
I am reminded of the time many years ago I decided it would be fun to stray from the tried and true celery, sage and onion stuffing to venture into cranberry, apple and sausage territory.

FAIL. BIG FAIL. You don’t mess with the best part (some would say the point) of the whole meal.
You’d think I would have learned from this debacle dear Blog, but as usual you would be wrong.
This year I decided I was so sick and tired of cranberries-in-everything anymore (damn, those cranberry marketing people are GOOD) that I banished the sauce from the table.

In our family, most people tend to give cranberry relish the side-eye at Thanksgiving and Christmas even when I go to the trouble of creating a fresh cranberry masterpiece from scratch instead of dumping a blob of it from a can into a bowl. We’re just not big cranberry sauce eaters.
So I thought it would be a really safe bet to have a cranberry-free table and sub with IKEA’s lingonberry sauce instead, to see if that was better received. It’s red, it’s tart, it’s tasty with savoury stuff like…I don’t know…Swedish meatballs? What’s not to love about lingonberry sauce???
YEAH, about that. Forgot that it wasn’t going to be just family at the table but a lovely couple of guests as well. Guess what? These guests LOVED cranberry sauce with their turkey.

Luckily for me they also LOVED lingonberry sauce and were OK with the swap. So the awkward moment was quickly smoothed over. Not a FAIL but a NEAR MISS.

Next year I will have both sauces at the ready.

Rock on,

The WB

Christmas Shows Already, WTF?!?!

On By Widow BadassIn Good Times, Hmmm?2 Comments

Dear Blog,

I am pissed. The W network started showing Christmas movies already.

It’s bad enough that the stores were stocking Christmas decor items long before Hallowe’en was even on most peoples’ minds, but now this???

From what I remember as a child Christmas was not really on anybody’s radar (via advertising/radio/TV shows) until around 2 weeks before the actual date. I realize it was a different time. People didn’t have access to credit like they do today, and Christmas shopping could not usually be done well in advance – at least not at my house.

People actually saved up to buy things using CASH – imagine that! Or they did without – imagine THAT, dear Blog! So, people like my parents (most people) had to wait until they had the money to “splash out” at Christmas time, and that was not until December, at the earliest.

So the two weeks leading up to Christmas day was when the real “rush” began. Exciting-looking packages were quickly whisked away to secret places while we kids were supposedly otherwise distracted, and yummy foods started appearing in the cupboards and in the fridge. About a week before Christmas the decorating began, with a real tree brought inside and the box of old glass ornaments brought down from the attic. My sisters and I spent many hours creating hand-coloured paper chains and snowflakes with which to decorate the sparsely furnished living room of the old farm house we grew up in.

All of this “beauty” (to my child’s eyes) was taken down on the day after New Year’s Day, to lie waiting in a box in the attic again until mid-December of the following year.

You never had time to get sick of the season because it was here and gone in a flash. Christmas music pouring from the radio did not lose its freshness and was welcomed like a long-lost friend for the short duration that it was on the airwaves. We loved it when the local paper printed out the lyrics to favourite carols so we could sing them together as a family, in the evenings when there was nothing worth watching on the 2 channels we could bring in on our antenna.

Looking back, we didn’t have much and yet didn’t feel the lack, because we weren’t inundated for weeks or months with images and shows depicting the perfectly decked-out, glossy Christmas that supposedly everyone else was having. That we could have too, if we went out and bought it using borrowed money. Like what is happening now.

I do get it, dear Blog, that retail needs to make money. Christmas, being such an emotionally-loaded celebration, is especially good at parting people from their money (real or credit). My dad owned a store for about 5 years when I was a tween, then teen. In fact it was my first job, helping out on Saturdays in the Dutch import store and delicatessen that we owned. My dad used to say that all year long the store broke even and only in December did he make his profit for the year.  So I understand why retail is totally behind growing and milking the season for all it’s worth.

And it makes good financial sense for TV networks to produce and air Christmas shows to attract advertising dollars from retailers trying to maximize their own profit potential, so they are all for an expanded Christmas season as well.

But where does that leave me and others, dear Blog, who are Christmas-weary by mid-December? The expanded season does not make me want to spend more money. In fact, it does the opposite. Me and mine are not even doing presents this year.

Mom’s death a week before Christmas last year meant we did not celebrate a typical Christmas season or day. Her illness and death diminished Christmas to some nice little event that was happening to everyone else, not us. Not the megalithic be-all to end-all celebration that is has become for most. And it was still fine. Because we were together as a family, celebrating Mom and being united in our grief.

And that’s Christmassy enough for me, dear Blog.

Rock on,

The WB

 

Stuff

On By Widow BadassIn Hmmm?Leave a comment

Dear Blog,

Let’s talk about stuff.

Today I went to my stepdad’s to grab the last of my late mom’s stuff from their condo. The condo has sold and my stepdad is moving to a retirement community in a nearby town.

His family was there also, in full force, because this man has a lot of stuff…stuff that won’t fit in to his new abode. My mom had a lot of stuff too and most of the rest of it is sitting downstairs in the foyer. I don’t even want to bring it up into my place because, well…I have a lotta stuff too, again. Nice stuff. Useful stuff. Pretty stuff. But stuff all the same. So the few boxes left of Mom’s stuff sits downstairs for me to sort through. I can already tell you most of it is going to a donation centre.

Of course none of this accumulation of stuff holds a candle to the amount of stuff my late husband left behind him. It took me (and friends and family) almost a whole year – 7 full dumpsters, untold bags of recyclables, give-aways and donate-ables (think quadruple digits – good thing one of the items he hoarded was garbage bags)…and shameful amounts of trash left for curb-side pickup every week – before the first phase of purging his hoard was completed.

In the end, for all of us, our stuff gets left behind. We leave it for others to deal with, like JD ended up doing. Or we have to downsize, like my stepdad and my maternal grandmother, and our stuff ends up being what we can pack into a studio apartment in an assisted living community.

I like to joke that my plan is to die with only the clothes on my back and a bank account, to make things easy for my kids. But I know they will want some of my stuff, as I treasure having some of my mom’s stuff.

But the rest? Ugh.

George Carlin once riffed famously on our need to accumulate stuff and then places to hold our stuff. I don’t know how George lived, but I am pretty sure he owned stuff too. Stuff makes our lives easier and more comfortable. Let’s face it, we need stuff. There are people suffering in the world because they don’t have enough stuff to live a healthy, happy life.

But there’s enough stuff and way too much stuff. It is so damn easy in the Western World to have way too much stuff. And to get to the point where stuff owns you, instead of the other way around.

Constant vigilance is needed. Because stuff takes up valuable mental space as well as physical space.

So far, my stuff is well-purposed, I think dear Blog. I don’t begrudge the amount of mental energy and space my stuff takes to look after. I am enjoying having a fully-furnished home again.

I plan to enjoy it to the utmost, because I know that there may come a time when I too will have to pare down my stuff to fit into a single room.

Rock on,

The WB