Dear Blog,

Ya gotta love it when your new boots come with a message.

These are truly the boots for this new era the world has entered into. Some may call it the Dark Ages of Humanity – the Sequel, or the Coming A-Trumpolypse.

I call it a reason for new footwear.

Yes, dear Blog, I did break my Shoe Moratorium…sorta. These being boots and all, I think I could have a pretty solid argument that these don’t qualify as a shoe purchase. (Note from budget-conscious part of brain to self: next time it MUST be called a Footwear Moratorium.)

And dear Blog, please recall that I DID NOT buy any shoes or boots while in Amsterdam…though not for lack of trying. Damn that Birkenstock store at the Albert Cuyp Market for actually closing up shop for vacation…I mean, who in retail does that?!?!

Think about it. You sell SANDALS for a living, and you shutter your shop for almost 3 weeks IN THE SUMMER. WTF???

Anyhoodle, I digress into rant territory when the point I want to make is: I should get credit for superhuman restraint on coming back home without any new shoes. Or boots.

These new boots are my gift to me, I have decided, for surviving 3 years of widowhood and all of the trials, tribulations and shocking revelations that have come with it so far. My excuse story and I’m sticking to it.

Rock on,

The WB

Dear Blog,

As you know yesterday I went public about JD’s cheating, on the 3rd anniversary of his passing (and of my re-birth as The WB).

Since then I’ve been thinking as to my reasons for doing this. I don’t regret it. I think I needed to do this and here’s why:

1. Since the MBA convocation ceremony I attended in June, at which I received degrees for the both of us, I feel like I have fulfilled all of my obligations to my late husband. I made sure he got the recognition he deserved for the effort he put into his studies even as he was dying. I was able to quash my feelings relating to what I know about him now and call up how I felt about him then, when we were in the program together and when we found out about the cancer. I can’t do this anymore because:
2. After that event I noticed my feelings towards him really start to change. For example, I no longer felt upset at our approaching wedding anniversary as I had in the couple of years prior. In fact I feel no love anymore – just empty inside. Maybe this will change over time but I’m not counting on it.
3. His parents are both gone now; his father passed away in early 2015. It must be hard enough to lose a child – I didn’t want to add to his sorrow by telling him what I found out about his son. I didn’t see what purpose it would serve. So I left the old soldier with his happy memories of his boy to comfort him.
4. My mother passed away in December 2015 and I didn’t feel I should be shocking or burdening her with this knowledge when she was already unwell.
5. His sister does not read my blog and is not on social media. See point #3 – not adding to the sorrow applies to her as well. Although I suspect one day we may have this conversation as she could ask a question that precipitates it. Not looking forward to this day.
6. I told my kids and they have been so supportive and empathetic. It has been important in our healing as a family, I feel.
7. My change of feelings about him may become evident in my future postings on this blog and on social media, if it hasn’t already. Mostly, I imagine, by what I am not saying about JD or our marriage anymore. This should explain that change to anybody who might pick up on this.
8. Some people have been very kindly commenting to me about how tragic it is to lose someone you thought of as a soulmate. True, but my dears – you don’t know the half of it. Until now. Yes, I am still a grieving widow but the things I am grieving are not what one would expect. If I can describe my grief in one word, that word is COMPLICATED.
9. It took until just lately for me to process things enough that I could talk about it to a wider audience. Being as introverted as I am, I like to take time to think important stuff through thoroughly if at all possible, before speaking. As there are almost no resources out there for dealing with discovery of infidelity posthumously, this has been difficult for me to sort out on my own.  My thoughts have been all over the map on this one as I try to deal.  Some days they still are. And, ultimately:
10. Almost 3 years later, I feel I am finally ready to open up about this.

Thanks for listening and being there for me, dear Blog.

Rock on,

The WB

Dear Blog,

Today is the anniversary of JD’s death.

I hope he is at peace or reborn or whatever the hell happens when our physical bodies stop working.

Living with JD was not easy, thanks to the OCD which he ultimately refused to seek treatment for. I did my best to help him while we were together. Which came at a cost, of course. It affected my relationships with family and friends. It affected my health. I was in over my head but bound by secrecy and was forbidden to seek help or understanding for either of us.

I didn’t find out until after he died, when I was left with sorting through his hoard of papers and stuff, who I was really married to.

He was a consummate liar and a hypocrite in his dealings with me, in particular. Me – the only person, he told me over and over again, he felt free to really be himself with.

My (once happy) memories of our time together are now and forever tainted because of this. Were his feelings towards me all lies, like his words and actions were? I was so completely fooled by JD I don’t know what was real anymore. I have lost more trust in myself and my ability to perceive, than in him.

I have sought counseling, which was only a little bit helpful. How do you find closure when the other party, the one who might be able to answer your thousands of burning questions, is dead?

I did reach out to the woman he cheated on me with (the only one I know about – I am not so naive as to think there couldn’t be more). She too was duped into thinking he was otherwise unattached, faithful, and in love with her. She thought they were going to get married and start a family. A lovely woman, really.

I just wish she had told me what was really going on when she found out he was living with another woman (me) and immediately kicked his sorry cheating ass to the curb. But she chose to keep her silence and leave our relationship alone. In my opinion she did me a huge disservice by not reaching out to me.

But what is done is done. I was kept in ignorance and kept on living with and loving and supporting this man with my whole heart and being. This unworthy man.

I have been a widow for 3 years today. My life is the best it has ever been. I am very content and happy, for the most part. I am still working through the process of forgiving my husband, which is necessary for me…not for him.

For the first couple of years after I found out, I could still feel tenderness and love and sorrow for him, even as I was reeling with shock and disbelief, hurt and anger. But as time goes on, I can’t dredge up those emotions anymore. I feel like I am just…done.

Someday someone is going to ask me why I don’t have any pictures of JD or our wedding displayed around my place. I don’t know what I’ll say in that moment, dear Blog.

Rock on,

The WB

Dear Blog,

Today is Election Day in the US, you might remember. I know I can’t get it out of my mind, dear Blog.
I find myself consumed with worry…AND I’M NOT EVEN AMERICAN. I can only imagine how all most some of them feel.

Did the world and German people feel this way when Hitler was on the rise to taking power?

Never have I seen a campaign like this. Never have I seen such hatred, bigotry, racism, sexism and fear unleashed. It’s like the human race took as step back a hundred or so years in time. The apparent rapidity of this devolution of human consciousness and learning is breathtaking to me.

Maybe I’ve just been naive in thinking that we had moved on from this type of thinking. That it was all behind us now.

Looks like it wasn’t behind us at all. It was just simmering under the surface of civility and political correctness. All it took was a brash, loud-mouthed person with no moral character to show people it was OK to let fear dominate your decisions and to quash compassion for others. That it is OK again to put up barriers to exclude other humans and to focus on differences instead of seeing that we are really all the same….this human race. That ignorance of the facts is acceptable. That instead of thinking for yourself, just follow the one that brays the loudest, the one that says what you want to hear, no matter what nonsense and lies pour out of his mouth.

There are two emotions that drive us. Fear breeds hatred. Love breeds compassion. Why do people choose fear? Like love, if that is what you choose, there is no end to it. There is always something to fear.

Right now I fear for us all. I want to get back to feeling love for humanity again, instead of fearing what people will can do if the wrong person gets enough power to make good on his hateful words. I want to feel compassion for this man. To try to understand what made him into the person he is. I think he is sick in his soul and his mind. Why throughout history have we been tricked into following madmen? Why do we not learn? It is because we don’t learn that we must keep repeating the lesson.

These thoughts roll round and round my mind as I inwardly clutch myself with worry. My brain and heart have been curled in the fetal position for days now.

Thanks for listening, dear Blog.

Hopefully tomorrow we can all rock on to a better future than the one I can’t stop worrying about,

The WB