Trigger Warning: I am going to be talking about MY experience at being widowed. If you are experiencing a different sort of grief and/or widowhood you may be offended or otherwise bothered by what I am going to say.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty damn fantastic, realizing I have been a widow now for 10 years. Becoming a widow probably saved my life because the stress of being married to my second husband had a high probability of killing me eventually. (I did have a couple of mini-strokes a few years later as I was still dealing with the mess left behind by his death.) A lot of this stuff is on ye olde blogge, if one cares to search…
Proof of That Stress…
I had been living in Crazytown (as I called my life then) for quite a few years already (and it was getting steadily worse). I knew my health was being negatively affected by the pressures of living with this man and I was considering getting my own space to live exist survive in, when he was diagnosed with lung cancer. So my plans changed. The next 6 months were a blur of doctor visits and hospitalizations until he breathed his last a few minutes after midnight on November 14, 2013.
A few months later, as I was going through his papers I discovered that he had been having an affair with another woman (who also thought he was true as well as single) for 18 months while he was living with me (before we got married) and making me endure weekly (pointless, I thought) lectures on his thoughts about people who cheated on their loved ones and how awful and wrong they were. Hypocrisy, much? Guilty, much?
She had found out about me and kicked him to the curb but made the decision NOT to interfere in our relationship by informing me that he was cheating on both of us. I know she thought she was doing me a kindness but I deserved to have that information. Remaining in the dark of who this man truly was, I proceeded to marry him.
Did he really want to be with me or was I just the only option available now that the other relationship had ended?
I wonder sometimes how my life would have been different if I had known about his cheating at the time. It might have been better, it might have been worse. I am certain it would have turned out much differently. And my family would not have been so hurt by my relationship with my strange, secretive husband in the process.
This put me in a tailspin of confusing emotions. I had thought that – despite his mental illness (OCD), his love was something I could count on and draw strength from. After all, he spent a lot of time telling me how honest and virtuous and moral and good and Christian he was (subtext: a better person than me, in his mind.) And now that was proven to be false and all the memories that were supposed to comfort me in my widowhood ruined, by this discovery. And the worst part? I couldn’t even confront him with this knowledge and try to get some answers and closure for myself.
I’m truly sorry that my second husband had to die so young and of such a terrible disease as lung cancer. When he died though, my most prevalent emotion was an overwhelming sense of relief and that is the saddest thing, isn’t it? But it is my truth. My ordeal was over. My grief was very complicated and made even more so when I learned of his unfaithfulness.
The first few years of my widowhood were spent dealing with these emotions as I was cleaning up his hoard, selling my place to clear up the debts he left behind, and incurring more debt as I fixed up the decrepit building he left me with, and completed the MBA program we had both started. All while still working full-time at my career. Therapy helped; fixing up the building and making it profitable (finally) helped; becoming my alter-ego The Widow Badass helped (a lot). Friends helped too, although I had kept the knowledge of his infidelity to myself for many months after discovery because it took an awful lot of time for me to process, accept and acknowledge what I had learned and the full extent to which I had been manipulated and duped over the years.
Making the decision to retire at 60 and move to Vancouver Island was also very good for my mental health. I was no longer bombarded by memories every time I walked on a familiar trail or into a different room in the building my husband and I had spent so much time in. It was and is a fresh start and a new beginning.
Today I wake up every morning with a smile on my face and in my heart and look forward to the day ahead. This is me – a widow of 10 years. I’ve done my best to absorb all the lessons that can be gleaned from my travails and experiences so far and I am grateful for them all. I’m pretty sure I still have some revelations/a-ha moments in my future, though 😉…after all, if life has taught me anything it’s that I am a stubborn thick delusional SLOW LEARNER 🤣 per my marriages.
Rock on,
The WB
❤️❤️❤️!!!
Thank you, my friend 💕
You look EVEN better now than that last passport photo! 🥰
May you wake up every day feeling this good or better! You are a shining light … thank you for your example sister!
Much love 💕
Thank you very much, Sister! I look to you as a shining light in keeping cheer and humour and regard for others in your life despite of your own troubles 💕 Much love back at you!!!
Wishing you happiness and self-fulfillment in the future, Deb. Here’s to the next 10 years! 💕
Thank you, Jane 💕 The bad times never last but neither do the good. Right now I am in a good stretch and I hope it’s a long one. 😁
We all walk a different journey some more circuitous and painful than others. I am very happy that you are where you are now. You have made a lot of huge decisions by yourself over the years. Rock on woman!
That I did! Hehehehe 😁. Thanks for noticing, Kate 💕
I didn’t know this part of your history and to be honest… I’m surprised to hear it. You’ve always seemed such a happy, well balanced person to me I would never have guessed you had that kind of stress and heartbreak.
If this is you coming out the other side of hard times? Then kudos my friend! You’re proof positive life is what we make it.
❤️
Yes, definitely what happened to me played a big part in making me who I am today. What doesn’t kill you, and all that…Thank you very much, Rivergirl 💕
Ditto what Joanne, Joyce, Jane and Kate each said. And although I know this part of your history, I also agree with Rivergirl who wisely stated that life is often what we make it — and you are living proof of that. I’ve learned so much from you and continue to do so. Thank you, my friend!
Some people come by wisdom naturally and others (me) have to have it clubbed into them by life 😉. I’ve made a very good – maybe even great! – life for myself and you are a big part of it! Thank YOU, my friend 💕
That 10 years went really fast, but then time seems to be speeding up more every year. It hurt my heart to see you suffering. We knew your life was impossible with your husband but did not know how to help you, other than being there when you needed us. I also knew that you have incredible strength and would make a new and better life for yourself. So happy that you have found happiness and contentment in BC. Love you!!
You and Adrien helped me so much and I am forever grateful for this. Yes, it was impossible and I did not know how to help myself either. Love you too!!! Thanks my friend 💕
Hey Deb! What’s the old saying, “You’ve come a long way baby!” Obviously what you have experienced has been really really tough but from what I know of you, you are a really, really tough woman! Who knows what the future holds but whatever comes next something tells me you will be guided to do exactly what will be best for you. ~Kathy
Thank you, Kathy 💕 I’m enjoying this phase of my life so very much 😁 and look forward to the future!
Hi Deb – thanks for letting us know some of the horrors of your back story … I can relate – but enough said … much better for our health to just get on with things … I’m so pleased you’re happy with things now – sounds happiness is Vancouver Island and life lives on. Here’s to another much easier ten+ more years … looking forward to more escapades with you and the family, and with Donna and Richard – enjoy … cheers Hilary
Thank you very much, Hilary 💕 Yes, cheers to getting on with things! A well-lived life is the ultimate revenge/payback to those who have hurt us.
I am honored to have connected with you here, Deb. This is such a brave and inspiring post. I had no idea of your backstory. I did know you were a badass who I thought would be cool to know IRL. Turns out our backstories intersect in many ways, though not the widowhood part. That part is something I wished for, as I believe it would have been easier than what actually transpired. I’m sorry for the pain and complicated grief you’ve experienced. You are an inspiration and testament to resilience and reinvention, Deb. Rock on! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you very much, Natalie 💕 The story of my second marriage is only the half of it. I don’t talk much about my 17 year first marriage as he is still alive and my kids’ dad but basically it ended with him going to jail multiple times for stalking and harassing me. A very dark time in my life. Did I wish him dead? You betcha!!! Did he want me dead? Most probably! (The police took all his weapons away.) Maybe someday we’ll meet IRL and have a long chat over a glass of wine – wouldn’t that be fabulous!?!
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The difference in your passport photos surely do tell the tale Deb. I had the same experience, I looked way better in my 50s than I did in my late 40s after I’d left and gone my own way. You surely are the poster woman for a life well lived now 🙂
Isn’t it funny how much of the life one lives shows up on one’s face? I ran into a neighbour 2 weeks after my husband died and he practically did a double take. “What happened?!” He shouted, “You look fantastic!!!” I told him that I was finally able to get some rest! Cheers to us for not only surviving but thriving, after toxic men! Thanks, Debs 💕
Veronica Shoffstall’s After A While came to mind as a read your post:
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…
That is so true! I am finally planting my own garden after years of creating and tending gardens for (undeserving) others. Thank you, Mona 💕
He was literally draining the life out of you. What a narcissistic monger. I can’t even imagine being in his head and living those lies and acting like he was better than you. *sigh*
I’m SO happy that you survived this and you are all the better for it.
Keep on being your bad ass self!! XOXO
For a while after I found out, I tried to tell myself that it was all a part of his mental illness and couldn’t be helped. But I don’t believe this anymore. Plenty of people have OCD and AREN’T also lying, cheating, manipulative hypocrites. Thank you very much, Suz 💕
Yeah, I agree with you. He made a conscientious choice to be an asshole. He stole some good years from you, but you are making up for it all now!
It’s the best revenge!
Thanks for sharing your experiences here. I knew you were widowed [obvious from the blog name] but not the details like this. You look much healthier now and relaxed and wise beyond your years. You’ve landed well, but what a journey. Sending hugs your way.
Thank you very much much, Ally 💕 I’m glad I not only survived my marriages but am thriving!
Hi Deb, You remind me how some of the nicest people come from a place of deep pain, growth, gratitude.
Re passport picture – you do look more gorgeous over time.
Your words ‘but it is my truth’ speaks volumes. I extra love “…wake up every morning with a smile on my face and in my heart…. After a great deal of work and healing on your part. Thank you for sharing your beautiful essence. It always makes a difference. 💕 Erica
Thank you very much, Erica 💕 Your words, like your self, radiate kindness and understanding.
Oh Deb, I had no idea about any of this. Thank you for sharing it here. I am so thankful for this blog for both you and me. I’m glad you’re doing well. You look to be younger, healthier, and more vibrant than you did ten years ago. Isn’t it amazing what healing can do for a human? I’m sending you a lot of love, my friend. 😘💕
PS- I am also a very slow learner. 🤣
Slow learners, unite!!! ✊🤣 I certainly feel younger and healthier than 10 years ago 😉. Thank you very much, Kari 💕 And yay for our blogs!!! 👏
Deb, the passport photos say it all. You obviously went through more than just a physical transformation during these past ten years. You radiate happiness and joy and that can only come from the inside. What’s the saying – ‘you walk through fire and shine like a diamond.’ Yep, that’s you.
I love that saying!!! Much better than the one I was using about being beaten and hammered like forging steel 🤣. Thank you very much, Suzanne 💕
I remember reading your older posts a few years back and thinking, “wow….she got through some serious BS, but what a great sense of humor!” The passport photos are a testimony to the impact stress can have on how you look and feel. You look so much happier and younger. Cheers to your milestone and all the adventures you’ve had since.
My sense of humour has gotten me through some really tough times, that’s for sure. I’m glad now that it can be used on truly funny things instead of me saying “this situation really sucks now, but maybe I can make a funny story out of it someday…” Thank you, Tracey 💕Cheers, indeed 🥂
You are a strong woman and have earned all the happiness and contentment you can find or manufacture. Ten years is a benchmark in your personal growth, be proud of yourself..
Thank you very much, Jean 💕 I wasn’t sure I was going to post about this but I was looking at my blog and saw that I had written a post called A Widow for 5 Years so I knew then I was going to write a follow up.
BRAVA ❤️ BRAVA ❤️ BRAVA ❤️
Thank you very much, Del 💕
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That’s a strong sense of obligation/loyalty that kept you taking care of him at the end. Caring for a lung cancer patient at the best of times is hard — can’t imagine in these circumstances… and then… and then. I’m sure I read part of this story before, but it hit me harder this time. I hope you have many more decades living as the widow badass…
It was hard! Made so much harder than it had to be by all his fucking OCD rules and his requirements of secrecy. I felt very alone. And then to discover after he died who he really was. Betrayal after betrayal. All that sacrifice for someone who wasn’t worth it. So happy I survived, though! Living well is truly the best comeback/revenge. Thank you very much, Kieran 💕
Wishing you years of only happy revelations in the future! I have learned (sometimes the hard way) that if people have to TELL you what wonderful Christians they are you should move in the opposite direction very fast.
Yeah, that has been my experience too. The “true” Christians I know almost never talk about their religion or even mention they go to church or do good works unless it just comes into the conversation naturally. Thank you very much, Dawn 💕
You truly are a badass! Living is hard and it sure ain’t for sissies! You look fabulous and I’m glad you have put that past in the past and are living the life you were meant to be living today. Keep on keeping on! Time does fly, though, doesn’t it? Mona
Time does fly, especially when you are finally “living the life you were meant to be living” and having so much fun to boot! Thank you very much, Mona 💕
Badass ❤️😊
Thank you 💕