Too Much Information?: A Bidet Story

WARNING: Please click away if your nerves are far too delicate to read about bathrooms and associated functions.

Remember back at the beginning of the pandemic when everyone was losing their minds and all sorts of craziness was happening? We were all so scared and unsure of what was going to happen next. And some scoundrels tried to buy up all the essentials, leading to shortages of everything and the people were going on Facebook to beg for toilet paper AS THERE WAS NONE TO BE HAD IN ALL THE LAND? Yeah, thanks a lot hoarders! Gone through your stockpile(s) yet, jerkwads?

Scene at my local grocery store in March 2020.

Well, around that time I began chatting regularly online with a bunch of blogger friends via Zoom and the topic of bidets came up during one session, and how great they were to use and – especially – how you didn’t need all that much toilet paper if you used one. I remember researching bidets at that time – along with the rest of the universe, apparently – and although I could find information on them, there were none to be had as demand has far outstripped supply. Go figure. Sigh. Turns out I had just enough TP to get me through until the shelves were restocked, so I promptly forgot all about bidets once the GREAT TP SHORTAGE OF 2020 was over.

Fast forward to present day: I somehow severely fucked up strained my back muscles last week. I could hardly move and when I absolutely had to move it was groan-out-loud painful (sorry, neighbours!). We are talking A STRUGGLE to put on socks and underwear, and to get from lying down to sitting to standing and vice versa.

And did you know how much you need to involve your back muscles in order to thoroughly wipe your nether regions clean after using the toilet? Let me elucidate you, in case you didn’t already know: IT’S A LOT, ACTUALLY. IT’S QUITE A LOT.

I was bitching complaining chatting about this very thing with my massage therapist this past week when she said those 3 magic words that sent me running back to Amazon: GET A BIDET.

This baby arrived yesterday. Amazon’s Choice, with thousands of great ratings. Thousands upon thousands of happy butts!
What’s in the box.

I bravely started to do the install after reading the instructions and putting my talented son-in-law on speed dial, just in case.

So far so good. Seat is off.
T-valve attached.

And then, dear Badassians, it all went to shit wrong. Trying to affix the t-valve to the toilet tank….water leaking everywhere once I turned it back on! So I undid everything and tried to put the toilet back together as it was before I started messing with it. No good. Still spraying water everywhere. I shut the water valve off yet again and frantically called the SIL, who came right over and diagnosed the problem!

First – as I suspected – it was partly the blame of the shitty plastic wrench included in the kit. Although I thought I was behaving like a pretty poor workman blaming the tool and all that, but whatevs. Second – and completely related to the first – when I was tightening the t-valve I was loosening the fitting coming from the toilet at the same time. Thankfully SIL came prepared with a REAL wrench and his big man hands and a less sore back than mine, and soon there was this:

Ta-daaaa!

After thanking SIL profusely and seeing him out the door, it was time to take Ye Olde Bidet for its (and my) maiden voyage. I want to say it was a dry run, as I didn’t actually need to use the facilities, but “dry” is not the right word when describing how a bidet is supposed to work.

With great trepidation, I reached down to the dial at my side.
Oh my, that’s…um… refreshing!
Note to self: be careful not to dial it up too fast, lest it get downright invasive!

It has taken some finessing (one must develop a technique; some skill, as it were), but overall I am quite happy with this upgrade to Ye Olde Water Closet. In the succinct words word of someone named Brad (see quote on box, above), this bidet addition is:

“FANTASSTIC!’

Rock on,

The WB

63 thoughts on “Too Much Information?: A Bidet Story

  1. Carol vd Water

    Hum was wondering if these things are any good. Do they use a lot of water? Should that be a concern or does it save the world in other ways like less paper use? Anyway I’m interested in having a better way to clean my personal pooper after use.

    1. It will clean more than your pooper, if you shift position, sis 😉. Mine does not use a lot of water…I have excellent water pressure so less is definitely more! I already love this bidet 😍 and don’t hesitate to recommend it. Thanks 💕

  2. Ouch! Back pain ain’t no fun. I hope you’re starting to feel better.

    The brand of bidet you bought is the same brand I bought and installed about a year ago. I think it cost me about $40 U.S. It’s still working, and working well. I agree about developing a certain finesse, as the water pressure could saw a person in half. But it does its job and saves a lot of toilet paper.

  3. Your face says it all. Congrats! And may I be the first to wish you and your bidet many happy years together.
    ( side note, spellcheck kept changing bidet to buddy… which when you think about it, works just as well. )
    👍

  4. Hmmm…I’ve always thought about them but then it’s gets complicated. I suspect the water is cold. I’d like a heated dunk myself. Funny post and great facial expressions!

    1. The water is indeed cool! There are fancier versions out there (with heat options) but they require electricity and I don’t have an outlet anywhere near “the throne”. Maybe something to consider if you decide to do a bathroom renovation? Thanks, Kate 💕

  5. I looked at them as well last year, but discovered we’d need an electrician to put in an outlet so I could have heated options. I’d definitely want heated options! So, we didn’t get one not wanting to have anyone in the house back then.

    We should probably revisit the idea again.

    I hope your back feels better soon, and you and bidet have many good years together.

    1. Hehehe! Glad you like them. I like to make people smile and, luckily for me, the silly comes natural. 🤪 Life-changing is not too grandiose a term when it comes to a bidet, me thinks. Thanks, Kari 💕

  6. I feel a sense of pride knowing that I was the one to recommend bidets to the blogger Zoom group. First Joanne… then you. We’ve had ours for several years and the only negative is that we can’t bring it with us when we travel. I’m glad you got it installed and that you are – clearly – enjoying the experience.

    1. As well you should, Janis! I didn’t want to give the complete deets as “what is said in the Zoom Room, stays in the Zoom Room” 😁, but happy to give you full props! It took a bit but yeah, I am now enjoying the experience…feelin’ FRESH and all that 😉. Thanks! 💕

  7. I live in a Desert so how much water it used would be a consideration, but we have a Septic System on this Mini Farm of ours and so it would be better to not use as much TP. I’ll have to look into this as you’ve now got me thinking I NEED one! *LOL*

    1. It’s a tiny little sprayer and you are in control of how strong and how long you spray so I think you can minimize the water usage…it’s not like it’s a rainfall shower in your toilet 😁. I think EVERYONE needs one now that I’ve come over to the “Bidet Side”. Thanks, Bohemian 💕

  8. AJ Blythe

    Don’t you need toilet paper to then dry said backside? and I had no idea you could retro fit a bidet to your existing toilet. I assumed they always had to be separate facilities!

    I hope your back is better soon. It’s such a debilitating thing. Do any of your local crafters have really cool wheat bags?

    1. Yes, you still need something to pat yourself dry with…unless you want to air dry? 😁 But you need much less. You could even just use a small cloth if you wanted to do away with TP altogether. What do you mean by a wheat bag, AJ? Do you mean a bag filled with grain that you could heat in the microwave or put in the freezer? If so, I do have one. I have been icing my back. Thanks💕

  9. hilarymb

    Hi Deb – well this really educated me … I didn’t realise they were hand-held … I thought they were separate items … don’t ask … but I was fascinated by your storyline here – especially those pics! And you are obviously hooked for ever … – wonderfully funny to read, while being educational for those in the back water of the TP era … cheers Hilary

    1. I remember bidets being a separate item altogether, in posh bathrooms. I much prefer the idea of this integrated unit for many reasons…cheaper of course, but also one less fixture to keep clean in the bathroom. And the idea of having to move from one fixture to another as part of one’s bathroom routine always seemed a tad awkward. Yep, I am a convert! 😁Thanks, Hilary 💕

  10. Well if Brad said it was Fantasstic, who are we to argue? I’m all about your facial expressions!
    When we redid our master bathroom about 10 years ago, I really wanted an authentic one next to our regular toilet, (butt) I think *someone* talked me out of it.
    Thanks for sharing!

  11. I needed this chuckle in the middle of my insomniac night! Your facial expressions! I am super impressed you could operate said bidet and take selfies at the same time – all with a sore back! Yep you are one clean badass woman!!

      1. Like you I had never figured out the shuffle from the toilet to the bidet thing. This makes more sense although I am not convinced we are installing one! I can imagine the mess our grandson would make with it!!

  12. Hi Deb, I pressed the “pause button” on blogging for now because of some personal reasons. I will still visit blogs when I can.

    I read your blog when it first arrived to my inbox and I almost peed myself laughing. Appropriate response fitting the theme. 😊Also, fascinating and inspirational how you installed this Bidet. Yes, happy butts. I hope your back is getting better! Hugs! And, thank you for my smile.💕

    1. You are most welcome, Erica! Sorry to read that you have to press pause…hopefully this too will pass. Please reach out to me if I can help in any way 🤗. Yes, the back is getting better. Thanks 💕

  13. debscarey

    I had no idea you could add a bidet attachment to a normal toilet. I must hasten away to Amazon, as I suffer likewise. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had a back spasm during that lovely task, and your photos have encouraged me to believe that this work.

    Mind you, in this house we already have a decidedly dangerous toilet seat as “someone” decided to buy the cheap one which didn’t come with metal fittings. It’s in the ensuite which is for my exclusive use, so I’ve now purchased the more expensive one which does. I wonder if I should put my “reminding” on hold till the bidet fitting arrives so he can do it all at once 😀

  14. Has anybody suggested some exercises specifically to strengthen the muscles involved? Delighted to read you’re improving, but not happy to hear this is a repeat performance.
    Grateful to you for all this detail on the bidet thingey. Someone had suggested it to me back when TP was non-existent down here. Still undecided … Your piccies are priceless! 😆

    1. I’ve been told to do some stretches for my hip muscles (hips were quite out of alignment) and I’ve found that engaging my abdominals helps take strain off my back too. Loving the bidet…I don’t ever want to be without one, now! Thank you, Del 💕

  15. Brought back memories, especially your facial expressions. I once rented a home which had one, separate though. Having never seen one before and being in my 20’s at the time I could only assume it was some sort of foot spa and used it very occasionally as such with a bit of mess. Only after a more experienced/posh girlfriend of mine came to spend time did I learn its true purpose as her mother had one. I tried it-oohs and aahs. You have now resurrected a memory and given me ideas for my next home.
    Keep stretching!

    1. I once stayed at an AirBnB with a separate bidet. As I had never seen one before, I leaned over the bowl and turned it on to see how it worked 🤣. You don’t make that mistake a second time, unless you like being hit with a water jet in the face. So I can relate somewhat to your…um…adventures with a first encounter with a bidet 😁. Thank you 💕

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