Dear Blog,
So sorry I’ve been neglecting you of late. I’ve been uber reflective this past while (with no signs of stopping), and haven’t felt like/ready to speak of any of this on ye olde you. Which, although a little early, is not out of character for me, at this time of the approaching solstice.
Anyways, this post will be kinda short, as I did something to my back yesterday and I can’t stay comfortably in one spot for too long. Yeah, I was moving an empty shopping cart in the Costco parking lot and every muscle in my lower back seized. Weird. Both my parents had back problems (and Mom underwent several surgeries) and I thought I had dodged that particular bullet, but maybe that time is over? Hopefully not. Robaxacet and ice are my 2 new best friends.
So this week marked my 5th year as a widow. That’s 2 years longer than I was married (although we were together for 11 years, in total). To mark the occasion, I did this:
Yep. Right after I got back from my honeymoon, I hung up my wedding bouquet in my office to dry it out, and there it has been every since. Over the years, I’ve kept looking at it and thinking I really should take it down, but then the phone would ring or someone would walk in, and after a while, you just don’t even see it there anymore.
So this week, on November 14th – the 5 year anniversary of JD’s passing and my entry into widowhood – I finally got up on a step stool, removed the bouquet from the ceiling hook it was suspended from, and tossed it in my trash bin.
I mean, what else am I supposed to do with this thing?
Nothing really means anything to me anymore about this relationship, since learning of his infidelity after his death. All my formerly wonderful memories have been tainted by this discovery, so I don’t even have those to comfort me. So why hang on to any reminders of that time?
At this point, I just feel meh about the whole thing. So many good things have happened since November 14th, 2013 that my married life feels like another, far distant life entirely. And that in itself, is a very good thing.
Rock on,
The WB
Feeling you from afar. Good job removing the bouquet after all these years. How I love following your blog and I do plan for us to meet one day! Take care of your back — my vote is this is nothing like what you mom experienced.
Thanks Susan! Yeah, we’ll meet on day IRL. I have no doubt. Looking forward to it!
Sounds like the time has come, Deb, to toss the bouquet. Seems like it is a symbol for you of putting a bad life event behind you – although it will never go away completely I’m sure. I hope your back spasms settle down. I occasionally have tight back muscles and usually massage, stretching and ibuprofen solves the problem. Good luck!
Thank you Molly! This sudden onset back issue has only happened to me once before. Coincidentally I had my regular monthly massage booked for last night. It did wonders…until I stepped back onto the floor from the massage table 😫. Still sore today, but able to move more easily, post ice and meds.
You are on the right track, Deb!
I’m glad you posted. I was about to call you. Your silence has been very loud.
It sounds to me like you are in a good place now … well, except for the back which I hope is just a temporary blip.
You’ve gone through various doors of transition, closing them behind you – some softly, some I suspect you slammed with all your might. This was one more. It is a bit ironic though that your back would seize up as you’re letting go of a piece of emotional baggage.
… or maybe I’m just overthinking it.
Be well, my friend! 💕
Thank you Joanne! I’ve been commenting on yours and others blogs as “proof of life” but I guess that wasn’t enough ☺️. Sorry if I caused any worry but nice to know I was missed! I hope I didn’t seize up my back by throwing out a piece of my past, but yeah that crossed my mind as well 💕
I’m glad that you tossed that bouquet into the trash. Enough already with it and the fake promises it represented to you. Except for your back problem, which is awful I’m sorry, you seem to be a stronger person despite your widowhood. Ever onward, eh?
Thank you Ally! Ever onward, indeed.
Not to get all woo woo or anything, but I have a ton of experience with back pain. Surgery when I was 30 and all that. Often I can track a spell of back pain to anger and once I acknowledge it and let it go, the back pain lets go too. Maybe throwing out the bouquet will do the trick. Who needs dead flower anyway?
I think you could be on to something, Reticula! Nope, nobody needs those dead flowers and what they represented.
I’m betting you kept the bouquet this long because it subconsciously fueled your anger. Without anger sometimes we’d fall completely apart after the shock and hurt of a loss and yours was a double whammy of loss. But now you are much stronger and don’t need the bouquet and whatever it was that it symbolized to you, if I’m guessing wrong. A huge step forward to peace and maybe even forgiveness—not him necessarily but forgiving yourself for not seeing it coming, for trusting an untrustworthy man. Shit happens and we move on and you’re doing that so well! You’re coming into a good place to start 2019.
Sorry about your back! Hope you find relief soon.
You could be right, Jean! I have been fueled by anger for years. It’s mostly been burnt out of me by now though. I haven’t had an expletive-filled rage session in over a year. Thank you.
Sounds like good therapy to finally toss that bouquet. I’m so sorry about your back. I woke up this morning and it was so beautiful out, I should be hiking! But alas, my hip – damn! Anyway, your back will get better, my hip will get better and we’ll be out kicking up our heels soon. Thinking of you, take care!
Thank you, Karen! Here’s to our combined recoveries!
Deb – seems that tossing the bouquet is one more badass way to move on! WooHoo! I tend to connect body ailments to emotions and wonder if your back pain isn’t some unconscious effort to resist your forward motion. “If your back hurts you can’t move forward.” I hope you continue to honor your truth — retreat when needed, throw crap out, reach out for support – it is all part of the process, isn’t it? Thanks for sharing and showing us all how to be badass!
Thank you, Janet! You could be right – I hope I continue to move forward, no matter what my body throws at me.
Good to hear from you again Deb. Congratulations on finally jettisoning that bouquet out in the trash where it belongs. You’re right, what do you need it for? I woke up with back pain this morning….must have slept wrong or something but I feel your pain…no fun. Hope you find relief soon. Be gentle with yourself….with the back pain, with the ruminating, with life. Still out here reading what you write, when I can. Thinking good thoughts and sending healing vibes through the universe to you.
Thank you, Susan! I appreciate the healing vibes!!!
Hi, Deb – I’ve greatly missed your posts. Thank you for sharing this with us. Sending warm thoughts your way!
Thank you, Donna! I’ll be writing more regularly again soon, I feel. It’s really nice to be missed!
Hi Deb! Good for you for taking the time you needed to process your past…and then finding a ritual to let it all go. Of course, that isn’t always a one swoop deal (maybe your back is connected?) but at least it is forward momentum. And what’s the saying, “when one door closes, another opens” and throwing out those flowers is a definitely sign that door has closed. I’m always “nexting” so I can’t help but believe that your future is filled with wonderful, comforting and adventurous things! ~Kathy
Thank you, Kathy! Nexting – love it! I like to do this too but didn’t have a word for it…’til now, that is! 😄
Good for you! I’m sure there is more where that came from. Maybe a special post dedicated to the tossing aside of some things. And take care of your back, those Costco carts are huge and heavy!
Thank you, Tracey! I’ve been tossing things aside since the day after I was widowed. But there is still more to trash, obviously!
I’m so pleased that you were able to finally let go and also share your feelings with us. You mentioned that there have been many good things happen over the last 5 years so concentrate on those and let go of the past. Not easy to do but we are all here to help you. Have a beautiful day and thank you for sharing and opening your heart. xx
Thank you, Sue! Loving the supportive, caring messages from you and other bloggers!
My back usually seizes when I’m stressed–but only after I have relaxed, which seems totally counterintuitive but bodies are weird. I hope you’re feeling better.
I’m glad you tossed the bouquet. Symbolic baggage, right? I find that when I get rid of things I no longer need, I feel lighter. I hope the same is true for you. Lots of love to you on this anniversary. Grief is weird and can present in weird ways, so I hope you are finding peace.
Thank you, Akilah! I have a long history of falling to pieces after a stressful time (e.g. annual Boxing Day migraines, when I had a young family) so I get what you’re saying. I’m now at the space where the bulk of my rage has exhausted itself and I mostly feel nothing. Which also bothers me and makes me feel a bit sad. This too shall pass.
I hope tossing the flowers was cathartic. I hope your back is feeling better and you’re getting lots of resting (and reading in).
Thank you, AJ! With muscle relaxers, ice, and movement (after muscle relaxers kick in 😜), I’m slowly getting better.
Lots of good comments here, probably better than the one I’m about to post. LOL.
On the back thing – I have had these back spasms that come out of nowhere doing a simple task. I don’t think it’s hereditary but more about not stretching enough and keeping the back strong and limber. Just a thought there.
On the bouquet. I find it interesting (which is so easy to do being far removed from the situation) about how much of JD’s junk you dumped from his hoarding only to keep this bouquet in the midst of it all. Yeah sometimes it is about just wanting to get stuff done but you’ve shown you aren’t that type of person.
No, the bouquet meant something to you. Whether a focus for your anger, holding on to lost dreams, or wanting to remember the wedding ceremony itself – something you worked hard on planning and looked forward too back in the day, who knows which. But whatever the reason, that cycle of learning has passed and been processed so out to the trash to shed what you don’t need anymore.
My mom was widowed when she was in her early 50’s and I was 21. I saw her go through a lot of stages of grief and processing the entire relationship she had with my dad. At one point she finally saw the relationship really clearly – for about a year or so – before she fell back into a cycle of anger.
I don’t think this will happen to you – you have moved onward. However, I guess as a friend, I don’t think you should beat yourself up about why you stuck with JD or that you didn’t ‘see him as he was’ despite all his lies. You were a different person than, younger and in love. You wanted wishes to come true and you though you had found the person who would be at your side.
Manipulators always find kind, good people to fasten onto. Watching too much real crime shows have shown me that! Too many intelligent women have fallen victim and it wasn’t because they weren’t smart or deserved better – it was just that manipulators have used their entire life honing their skill at manipulating.
Is it wrong that you looked at him through your own lens of goodness and kindness? Absolutely not.
So never blame yourself for loving too much or who you loved or why you loved.
Your love is rich, deep and good. It was water though poured into a sand hole when it came to JD but it doesn’t make the water less worthy.
(Labyrinth)
Thank you very much, Becky! Your words and thoughts are much appreciated. Stretching – yes, I have been neglecting this and am now paying the price, I think. The bouquet and other things – hanging on in case my feelings change ( but they haven’t), and because it hurts to have to make these decisions. Getting rid of his crap was easy, but this is different. This was our crap and more specifically mine. Thanks for making me look at this again, from a different perspective, and for your kind words. 💕🙏💕
I love the symbolism of tossing out the bouquet at this time… a moment of moving on. It made me wonder if there is something similar I can do to help release a long-term resentment I have. And also hoping the back pain responds to the tender care you’re giving it.
Thank you, Pat! Slowly (too slowly 😜), I am getting better. These symbolic gestures can be surprisingly cathartic.
Such a bitter/sweet post Deb – I’m so glad you’ve felt the time is right to move on and toss out a memento that no longer served any purpose. Life really is about moving forward and you seem to have done that now (despite the bad back!) It will be interesting to see where this next year takes you in your journey x
Thank you, Leanne!